First post here. I had my 6th therapy session yesterday and

WindChime's picture
[165]

First post here. I had my 6th therapy session yesterday and I think I need to express about my abuse more than just to my therapist. The thing is.. how do you write about this? I'm still feeling very strongly that everything is my fault for not setting good boundaries. I'm getting a bit better at it but I used to have no idea to how to say "no" to someone. I think it started with this older guy trying to touch me and make me touch him as a 13 years old. I have barely any memory of that nor any memory from life before that. And I just allow so many people to emotionally and sexually abuse me all through my life after that. I'm working really hard on setting healthy boundaries now but I still see myself with a lot of guilt and disgust and it created also a bipolar issue. How can I not feel that it was always my fault when people wrapped their actions in nice words and that I almost never said or insisted on saying "no"?

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rdpca1's picture
[41010]
Sep 8

@WindChime I read it every few weeks and the section you posted is the one that has saved me

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[510]
Sep 8

I am sorry to hear that, but I do know how you feel. I have been there too. I am a victim of rape as well. I felt the same way; like it was all my fault. For many, many years I blamed myself. If you did not give him permission, then he is guilty of rape. If your therapist is wanting you to write about it then just start writing words on a piece of paper, they will eventually start to flow together. That was my best therapy for myself. I had to give myself permission to forgive me of feeling guilty. It was not my fault, I was just a young teenage kid who had to face a monster giant of a man. I for years let people do what they wanted. I felt no emotion. So, when I learned to write down just the words that I was feeling inside of me, I freed myself from the bondage of guilt. I wrote down to that man that I forgave him from his wrong and bad behavior. I wrote down that he was not going to control my life any more! I am going to move forward. As I wrote this out, I expressed this verbally to myself too. This just gave me a little more assurance that this man could not control my thoughts, my way of life. By writing down that I forgave him, freed me up too. I still look back once in awhile, but I know I wrote that letter and I remind myself of that letter and that I AM FREE! then I move forward, I keep a good support group of friends around who will encourage and support me. I go to a church where people care and are willing to listen. I have moved away from people who want to take advantage of me and have started a new and different life. I hope you will do that too! I will pray for you!

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WindChime's picture
[165]
Sep 12

@JkBrauer I'm sorry that you had to go through this kind of situation as well, I'm really glad to know that this really helped you in freeing yourself from the past. I'll definitely try to write it down. I don't feel quite ready yet but I'll talk about it to my therapist and find the strength to do so. I'm just starting to learn to set healthy boundaries and it's a great start, but I'll certainly need at some point to be able to forgive the others and myself. Thank you very very much for sharing your story with me!

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