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FreeingMy_30's's picture
[27830]

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I am a grown woman, and no matter what happens, what I accomplish, how far I struggle and survive, somehow my mother has a way of treating me like I am the most insignificant disappointing regret that ever existed. She is incapable of taking responsibility for herself and has a way of turning everything onto you as she sticks her nose up in the air at you, literally. She is so cold and horrible that she actually makes me miss my dad. He died over 2 years ago and was an abusive drunk, and I haven't missed him for maybe 8 years? I was so stupid to think she would care about me and my daughter at all. She acts like she does but sends birthday money for my daughter, but then has absolutely no interest in hearing what we did, how she spent her birthday, how she's doing, what she likes, nothing! She hasn't even asked me how she's doing in years. She'll send a card with "I love you!" scribbled on it once every 4 or 5 years, but wants no other contact. That's "love"? She always makes me feel like I'm right back to being that broken little girl curled up in a ball crying in the back of the closet, pretending my crumpled up clothes are hugging me. I hate this woman so much!! Why was I so stupid to think she might change? She was the one who wanted an abortion with me and only had me because my dad wouldn't let her because of religious reasons. She's proven over the course of my entire life, that she hates me. She thinks I'm my dad, and has never wanted to be my mother. She's the polar opposite with my sister, but me? I'm utterly insignificant. She doesn't even have a single picture of my daughter, even though I've sent her tons over the years.

I wish so desperately that I could just stop caring. Just stop aching for the parents I never got to have. Stop hoping that maybe some day, she might care. Someday, I might matter. "To Her", I HAVE to remember, that is only "to her". I do matter, I do exist, and I am not insignificant. She is just a cruel, twisted person who has no interest in being a mother to me. Only my sister. God I wish it didn't hurt so much, I wish it didn't hurt anymore. I have enough to stress out over. I understand though that this is just one more of those buried issues that need to surface in order to process, heal, and let go in order to really move forward in life. I'm crying so hard my chest hurts right now, but I'm trying really hard to be rational or logical at the same time. Balance? :'(

I guess I'll "abandonment issues" to the list of self-help books I need.....

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Doesitmatter01's picture
[11510]
Sep 14

@FitHappy30s I have control over nothing yet but I am working on it and I have been on overtime with praying.

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FreeingMy_30's's picture
[27830]
Sep 17

@Blueberries1234 I found a book on amazon I wanted to share here for anyone that might benefit- "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents", by Lindsay C. Gibson.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[32940]
Sep 17

@FitHappy30s that's amazing!! thank you!! & to your earlier comment, it's inspiring to me that you see how badly your mother failed using yourself as a barometer of success. It kind of makes me wonder if I would like to have a child someday. Bexause all my life my mom made me feel like it would be a punishment to have a child, she always said "someday you'll have a child of your own and realize how helpless I feel and how hard it has been". And my response is always "No I wknt have a kid so Ill never know". She simultaneously says that I was a great kid, always quiet never cried etc, but implies as I got older it magically changed. Probably because I started to be able to talk and think for myself.

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