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[1190]

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I have parents who fill the entire atmosphere with shame, guilt, and anger to manipulate us and emotionally blind us to obey them and do their work then pleasing afterwards to keep a lid on our brain natural response to abuse. This cycle of abuse continues everyday. When confronted for abuse they go into extreme rage, blaming, emotional blinding mode where I cannot see and negotiate through the dark cloud of abuse and covert agenda. They will try to do everything by themselves and complaint afterwards, I cannot do any of work by myself, they have to interfere and make sure I am not doing anything by myself. I appreciated their kindness but I am not growing and individuate as a normal adult human being ,I always feel my boundaries are violated, I cannot own anything, I have to share everything with my siblings. Now I don't accept gifts from parents and anyone as I will have to share because I am not allowed to own anything.It seems like overtime I have adopted traits of my parents, I violate other people's emotional and physical boundaries, I cannot sympathize with other people, brain fog, impulsive thinking, constant rage towards others. I don't know how to respond to people in a logical and rational way. I feel sad, depressed and angry at myself all the times for not putting my guards down and feel emotions. constant inferiority complex, very difficult to completing tasks where normal and healthy people can easily complete. I see people's feelings and emotions after their 3 to 4 times efforts/attempts of making me understand of their opinion and to have access to my emotions and feelings, and most of the time I don't have my opinion, my opinion is what people have opinion of me and others.I can be easily used for other people's gains and agendas. My mind and body don't know how to use the flight, fight, fawn, freeze response. Not really performing well in studies, cannot hold onto jobs, constantly mind reading other people, relying on other people for safety and self worth. I am 26 now, single, do my prayers, started journaling daily two weeks ago(brain dump, affirmations, poetry, gratitude journal) .Guided meditation every day morning and evening where I can feel safe to cry and stay calm and under control afterwards.

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[1190]
Feb 19

@CKBlossom I will be able to move out as soon as when I find a new job. But till that time relying on parents for food and shelter.

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[1190]
Feb 19

@pam4him thanks for your support

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CKBlossom's picture
[439275]
Feb 19

@Ahmedkhan Proud of you.

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