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My marriage to what I believe was a narcissist finished abou

[10]

My marriage to what I believe was a narcissist finished about 3 years ago, but I'm really struggling. I still wake up and want more than anything for her love. We have a child together who doesn't want to see her and I can't cut off all communication because of him. She has continually said for 3 years she is open to trying to rebuild our relationship, but every time we try to meet she says she is too busy and tells me if I try to pressure her to meet it will put her off more.
For years in our relationship I was told I couldn't eat meals in the same room as her and her daughter, I was not allowed in the living room or kitchen most evenings because her daughter did not like me and my wife told me if I wanted to have a happy future I needed to do what she said. I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom in the morning before my stepdaughter left for school. If I made food my stepdaughter wouldn't eat it because she said it was contaminated. I wasn't allowed to put my laundry in the same laundry basket because I was told my clothes would make the other clothes smell. The list goes on.
My wife would always send me into another room and say I should be a man about it and not get upset no matter what happened. I put it down to her not being able to cope with the guilt of bringing someone new into her daughter's life and things would get better when she went to university. Then one day my stepdaughter threatens to kill me with a knife. I told her to put the knife down or I'd phone the police. My wife was in the room and told me if I phoned the police they'd be no hope for our relationship. After the incident my wife denied that her daughter had a knife even though she was standing right there. I was banned from the kitchen and living room in evenings and weekends and couldn't even get a glass of water. People encouraged me just to go into the room, which I did. Later that day my wife locks me out of the house and I ended up homeless for a couple of months. I found somewhere to live that I can afford.
However, despite everything that has happened I desperately want to be with her. I don't know how to get through this, but it often feels too much to cope with.

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freeone1234's picture
[6295]
Jun 13

Welcome to the group tw2030! I think you should read up on narcissists and what the consequences are after being in a relationship with one. We're glad you joined us in recovery!

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2015/11/18/lonely-state-mind/

http://www.esselmancounseling.com/2016/02/23/signs-that-youve-been-abused-by-a-narcissist/

http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-recognise-the-5-types-of-trauma-bonding/

https://sociopathlife.com/seductionstage-2/trauma-bonding/

https://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-abuse-1007144

http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/cognitive-dissonance/

https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/04/25/letter-from-a-narcissists-true-self/

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You need to do the healing work. Watt was your mother like? Have you ever been in a similar relationship where you where not treated properly? She filled up the emptiness inside that needs to be healed. I do not know what trauma that is at the root of all this but the ex is just a placeholder for unmet needs from childhood. 3 years out you should be moving on. I have been NC with narc for 3 years. I am not in a relationship yet I am not lonely. You are fine all by yourself. You need to fall in love...with yourself. Get to know you. Become the BEST person that you are capable of being. The narc will keep you strung along with hopes of getting back together forever. DO GREY ROCK if you have to deal with her but do not spend time talking to her as she will be emotionally manipulating you the entire time. It is what they do. The solution to your problem lies within you. If you can get some therapy for trauma and narcissistic abuse and be kind to yourself. The void and emptiness you feel cannot be filled by someone else. IT is an emptiness that has a root. YOU need to find THAT ROOT. Therein lies your healing.

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[2915]
Jun 13

Thank you for sharing. Your ex and my significant other read from the same playbook. Like you, I have tolerated being treated in ways I knew are wrong. But for many years I ignored & pushed down my feelings, thinking that was what I must do to keep the relationship. A big step forward for me was putting a name to what was happening: emotional abuse. Read and learn as much as you can (good links above). I was taught very young to respect others. I've had to teach myself to respect me. Good luck to you.

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