Today is the beginning of working on me, I had to finally le

Today is the beginning of working on me, I had to finally let go, and after all of the bs I realized, that there was a pattern, Everytime I wanted to move forward with our relationship be "transparent" he would make me regret having such ideas, every time I wanted him to meet my friends he would pull this crap, he was full of empty ideas, we never went anywhere he said we would, weather it be a trip to Hawaii, skiing, a picknick, a cruise, he would fill my head with hope and never follow through, tonight he was supposed to meet my best friend and instead we broke up. It's been a while now I've been ready, and I almost spent $300 on cell phone monitoring software but I knew what my gut was telling me without wasting the money, I know he's unfaithful, and he never really loved me, it's just so hard to see reality instead of what I wanted. So many red flags and I just ignored them. He kept in personal contact with his ex's
He has a drinking problem, he was abusive, controlling, and never apologized for anything, he was ok with me neglecting my child to be with him. Yet I never put us first according to him. Unrealistic ideas with no patience, wanted to knock me up dispite it may kill me. Always about him. Told me once while drunk he wanted my life to revolve around him. And that's when I decide to start moving out. slowly. Packing and taking my stuff to storage. I stuck through The grieving time that he had to go through because his good friend died. Now that that's over I'm focusing on what I need to be doing and not what he wanted. I loved him but he didn't love me. And like a harsh dose of reality I needed to open my eyes and see it for what it is. Someone who is good to me sometimes, and then the worst because he didn't get his way. He lied, and was unfaithful, with dating apps on his phone, a w**re in so many ways, even his niece calls him one. An Impression I got from the beginning but I liked the "new" feeling that I felt. So I went with it. Man why can't I say "no"? Heres the worst part, I found out this morning im pregnant, figures right? I'm going to keep it and don't plan on telling him because it's not healthy to be in a relationship just because we have a child together. He doesn't love me so it won't matter anyways, After all this I know I am the one to blame for turning a blind eye and allowing this to happen to me. None the less he prayed on my vulnerability, and I ate it up. Smh why do we do these things? And why for so long? It really sucks to admit what you initially knew in the beginning and chose to ignore it. It reminds me of changing my outfit 10 times only to put back on the original first outfit I had on in the first place. It makes you realize the first impression really is what last. Alright I'm out. Thanks for listening I really have no one else to do this with. Sigh....