Landlord at my house today. I end up telling my mother becau

Jdavis5933's picture
[20135]

Landlord at my house today. I end up telling my mother because she has been involved in my life lately based on helping me through this probation. I just couldn't afford all the extra money for fines. So I just end up telling her and I get worked up. I just quoted a Nietzsche quote about how I'm not mad cuz you lied to me, I'm mad cuz I can never trust you again. Nietzsche quote. That's what I was telling her after I was telling her about my landlord lying to me.

The next thing I know she's like so you're mad at me?

I got worked up and now trying not to respond. Because it's interesting that she took it like that and I know why but I don't want to get into it with her.

Because she lies to me all the time. So she thought I was directing it at her. And I might have been but I was talking about my landlord.

Now I'm all nervous because I don't want to lose my temper and text her stuff. I did say that I thought it was interesting that she took it personally. But now I'm trying not to say anything else because we both know that she's lying to me everyday about things.

Because she resents me big time for having to help me With these fines.

Not because she struggles financially and I'm taking from her, because I would never do that. She actually is independently wealthy and has plenty of money. She resents me because she's a selfish, greedy person.

This is the very reason that she allowed my father to beat on me because she didn't want 2 confront him and possibly mess up her nice lifestyle. Her lifestyle was more important than my well-being. The moment that I was going to blow it up because I got old enough to call the cops, magically she was able to convince him to stop putting his hands on me. I was still a minor and she knew she was responsible for me. That's it. The day I turned 18 it was Done.

I honestly think about her at least once every day because I'm sober now. I get irritated because it's like a residual feeling of years of her crap. I block it out as quickly as I can and I know that everything's okay now, but because of the fact that I'm 9 months sober and I'm in reality 24/7, it's almost impossible to not have that slip into my mind from time to time because she's in my life right now as well. I'm almost done with probation and I have no idea what the future holds.

I'm just freaking out right now because I could feel my mother's freaking hate fumes through my phone. I can't have any kind of energetic connection to her without feeling yucky. She's such an evil witch.

I confronted her so many times and we'll end up not talking for a long time and so while I want to do that right now cuz I hate her, it's not going to do any good and I'm trying to not f*** myself over. All it's going to do is give her an excuse to not help me and I just want to get the fines paid off. Sucks having to need her for that but if I don't get her help, then I'm just hurting myself and I need this behind me. I want to move on with my life I want to change everything in my life and I want to not have anything to do with her. I don't know what this looks like, I just want to be a different person, I want to be away from her, I don't know. I always say that even though I do know. Because I feel stuck in the moment. I'm pissed off and I don't want to f****** go off on her cuz it's not going to help me.

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Eleni007's picture
[1980]
Feb 7

When your mother did all these bad things to you by ignoring your suffering you were a child and later a teenager. But now you are a strong and smart adult. The poison of your mom is not that effective on you , except if you decide too. I mean when somebody is 6 or 10 years old and hurt by a bee the perception of the pain. Is different than if this person is an adult. Now you are strong and you can deal better with your mom.
Also, I think you have two options: either you forgive your mom and you let het become a part, even small of your life or you forget about her for good and you call her once in a blue moon. I would suggest the first, make peace with her even if she is a bad pain in the ***. I think being in peace our parents is a great part and contributor to healing. Kisses

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Jdavis5933's picture
[20135]
Feb 14

@Eleni007 hi. I just saw this comment. And thank you. I know this all to be true and when I'm not around her ..everything is fine. Or if I just keep it short and sweet and not emotionally invested or vulnerable.. Cause if I connect with her for too long, I can get all discombobulated.

I was having a good Valentine's Day until the news came on.

Anyway. Peace to you all today.

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Jdavis5933's picture
[20135]
Feb 14

@Eleni007 and you're right about having peace with them. Because as long as I don't let myself need her, I actually am fine with her. I have peace with her and it's all good. But if I end up needing her, then I get angry because I'm not going to get what I need. So now everything's fine. I take care of myself. I'm Mama Bear!

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