Today is hard. Today is very hard. Doing everything within m

Today is hard. Today is very hard. Doing everything within my power to not crumble and give him the reaction he so desperately craves to make himself feel so much better. But..... I caved...... to believe I am still in a relationship with this man that put me in hospital twice yet walking away seems like the hardest thing EVER!!! This man emotionally abuses me. This man makes me feel like I’m going insane yet I still manage to cling onto the ‘loving’ side of him and believe that maybe one day he will show that he cares because to me his behaviour isn’t natural.

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mystic_empath's picture
[555]
Nov 11

@Breathingbutnotliving It sounds like he is playing on your sympathies and is intentionally weakening you enough that you don't have the strength to do what you know deep down inside you really need to do.

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@Mosaic it was very hard reading what you put but i understand and agree with what you say. I know myself that If I leave now because of where my heads it it wouldn’t take much for him to work his way back. I don’t feel strong enough. Some days I just want to smash my head against a brick wall because I hate it all and I can’t understand it all. I can’t understand how someone can be so horrible and do the things they do that I feel like it’s me. I know I need to do what you say and I actually have lost a friend for it. I lost her when I made the decision to take him back. I have had a lot of losses in the past few years not just friends but family members dying and even my first pregnancy. One of which he didn’t care anything for. I am so desperate to end this but at the same time surely you understand how hard it is

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Mosaic's picture
[4295]
Dec 7

I do understand, @Breathingbutnotliving. It took me a few splits for the split from 'my problem man' to be final. I do know. Still, there is no less urgency for anyone in a physically abusive situation to get out as fast as possible, regardless of how "unready" you are. It's a moment of freedom, and that will HELP you get to the next moment.

Use this time you are risking with him to do something for yourself, at least. Decide you are worth it to go to the library for a book on leaving creeps, like, "Get Rid of Him," a classic over twenty years old, you don't need a new one, as this is a story as old as time. It's filled with self-esteem building which is vital for you to do (for all of us forever to do).

Stop asking "why" does he do this or that. You will never ever EVER get the answer to that. Take 30 seconds to right now think of that: If you knew that in two years he'd be marrying someone else who he already has a baby with, and was NEVER ever going to see you again, no answers would ever be forthcoming, how would that feel? Go ahead and imagine that because it's most likely going to happen, since he doesn't love you, he doesn't want to be with you, really. He's waiting for something better (for his purposes) to come along, someone he either has to work even LESS for, or, someone, I'm sorry, that he is simply more attracted to. That doesn't mean you are not attractive, but that there is something else that he thinks is out there that he's going to get a bigger thrill from. She may even be ugly, old, frumpy, married, a freak, or be gorgeous, young, educated, rich and brings out a man in him that you don't even recognize--you can't even imagine what he's going to go for, but it's not you. You're an easy mark, someone he can use. So don't push him to be loving or more committed, because he isn't and your antics are likely going to incite anger and violence. If that's what makes you feel in some control, to be able to get him to lose control (I have a sister in law like that, it does happen, even I want to hit her), then acknowledge that. It may be a thing you are doing. Be honest with yourself, so you can change.

Use visualizing exercises to imagine yourself into some future possibilities based on current trends, including you're in a morgue and your loved ones have to identify your body. Or you have kids with him and you get to watch him beat and scare the kids beating up on you. And while you're in the hospital, and he's in charge--oh, that's when abusive men go to town on the kids, btw. When wifey is in hospital having babies and/or recovering from being punched.

The answer, sadly, is that he is not even thinking about you at all! He does not care, and when you get riled over something that you think he DID to you, he just uses the opportunity of your being upset about it to keep you destabilized. "oh, I saw you texted me and I purposedly didn't answer... because, mystery time, just to mess with your head." Really, he didn't see your text cause he was playing video games.

Use your brain for more productive questions, like, "What is the payoff I am getting for staying in this situation?" There's SOME payoff, emotionally or something, why it is serving some purpose, like, 'if I stay with this guy, I will not outdo my mother, who stayed with my abusive father for her whole life, and I will not be showing her up, so she will still love me.' That kind of payoff. I'm living a version of that lesson with my mother, only there is no man. I just won't succeed so my mother will not feel less than me and unleash her hate on me, as narcissist mothers do. And she unleashes her hate anyway, so I might as well have been successful so I could get far away from her. I'm not judging you, I'm in my own hell of MY own making. It's hard to let go of love we THINK is love, but it's really not.

Build yourself up, do affirmations every day. Say things about yourself that you want to be true: I am free, I am loved, I respect myself, others respect and love me, that kind of thing and more, Get creative with your self-love campaign. I have a spiral bound notebook and I do write over and over and over my affirmations, and they get specific and seem impossible, like "I now live in my own home," and describe its amenities. It doesn't matter how impossible it seems, realities were once impossible wants that came true. Make goals posters, cut pics out of magazines. Heck, imagine that mr wonderful is good and kind, loves you, commits to you, whatever you want. Imagine that he loves himself. If you're going to be in his sphere, think good things for him, too.

That should break the universe. Hahah.

Thanks for giving me ideas that I need to apply for myself in my life.

Love, Mosaic

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