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It all started a few years ago. I got out of a bad relations

It all started a few years ago. I got out of a bad relationship with a narcissist, and met this guy. He wasn't looking for anything serious but I found myself drawn to him. I stayed the night at his house and we had a rocky relationship, always trying to figure out where each other stood. He had a previous relationship from a few years prior, she cheated on him, got pregnant and lied to him about being the father and he supported them for the first two years of his life until she found someone else and left while he was at work one day. The boy was still a big part of his life 5 years after the fact and so we saw him a lot. I wanted a committed relationship but he was looking for something more casual. After a while of dealing with people asking me if we were together, and him telling me we definitely were together, people would look at me like I was stupid. And me feeling like he wasn't exactly over his ex because she used him as a babysitter and for anything else she needed. He would stop everything he was doing and go get her a pack of cigarettes because she didn't have a car, it made me feel like second best and that he missed his old life with her. So I decided to break it off within the first 4 months.
Well after I broke it off I started talking to my ex again, but it only took about a week for this guy to start expressing his love to me, telling me that he was just afraid to fall in love but he truly did, he had just been fighting it. I was set in my ways for a while and let him grieve until one day it just hit me like a train, and I missed him terribly. I without hesitation, called him and asked him if I could come over because I wanted to talk. We talked and cried for a few hours and we ended up falling asleep in each other's arms.
Months started to go by as we were trying to make things work, he kept getting jealous of my ex, which was understandable. And he would hang out with, I'm sorry, but trashy women and even a woman who had an affair with my ex, which I obviously wasn't comfortable with, but I was "jealous and needed go get over it "
He lost his job and couldn't pay his roommate anymore, so I had started staying more and more and I decided to pick up and start paying half of the rent and just doing what I could. Well there was difficulty with how much we needed to be paying and it just wasn't worth it for us to be paying as much as the guy wanted and being confined to one bedroom and the rest of the house was his. So I saved money to get a cheap place and we just kinda took the next step and had a place of our own. It wasn't much but we were happy.
We stayed together in that house for years and he had fights here and there and looking back it was always over something so small, but it boiled down to me not being affectionate enough or me putting everyone else before him. After a few years of us being together, we were pretty serious, talked about marriage and having kids, and his illegitimate child was still coming over about once a month and I was still dealing with his ex even 5 years into the relationship but it was something I had to deal with because he loved the boy so much asking him to confront her was just out of the question. One day we were sitting in bed having a lazy day and I was in a relatively good mood. I was laughing and making jokes, he seemed tired but I knew something was wrong and I asked him and he broke down crying and said that he didn't deserve me, right then I knew where it was going. He told me that he went to a girls house a few weeks prior and ended up getting oral sex from her. I had been cheated on so much from my ex that I was just numb and I didn't really react for the first few minutes. It took me a good 20 minutes to actually break down and cry. I told him that I love him and I wasn't mad, I was just grateful he came forward and told me the truth and that he just can't let it happen again. He took me into the living room and asked me to marry him. With tears in my eyes, I really didn't know what to say, but it was all I wanted after so long of being together I always wanted to marry him because I saw a beautiful side to him no one else did. It took me a minute but I said yes. I had mixed feelings over the next few weeks and I was embarrassed about being cheated on yet again by someone, we agreed to never tell anyone about it for the sake of our relationship. So we just announced the engagement and everyone was happy for us.
About a year passes, we have a date set but really didn't have anymore plans beyond that. My friend was down on her luck and needed a place to stay and so we both discussed it and agree she can stay while she gets on he feet. But he didn't like her too much and he was drawing unemployment, he convinced me that it was best that he stay with his uncle so we can save money so we can move away within the next year. So he moves all his stuff to his uncle's and he comes home on the weekends so he isn't "technically" living there. That's how life was for about 2 months, as far as I knew everything was fine. We were still getting married soon and we were saving money go get out of the town we were in and my bills were cut in half because my friend was staying there in the spare bedroom. And then one day, I get a message from a girl I went to school with, keep in mind that my ex slept with(I know, my ex cheated on me A LOT, dozens on women and he was never sorry)
She sends me a message on Facebook, and says "I need to talk to you" my heart sank. I knew what that meant. I send her back, "About what exactly?" And she says "About your fiance..." I knew deep down and I was so sick. I took my phone with me and went to my bedroom where him and a few friends were and I put my hand on his shoulder and tell him, "I need to talk to you" I could see the terror in his eyes, I knew where this was going. I take him into the bathroom and ask him if he knew her and after a pause he said yes. And I told her what she had said and that she was going to tell me any minute what was going on so he had this one chance to explain himself. And of course I got the whole "it was only one time speech" and I lost control and I destroyed the bathroom. I ripped the shower curtain down, threw a shelf, broke glass, pinned him against the wall and nearly hit him but I couldn't, that's just not me. Keep in mind we have company when I have this mental breakdown. I eventually just fall to the ground hyperventilating and he was trying to comfort me and I kept pushing him away. I wanted nothing to do with him. I went outside and I just screamed in the yard and fell to my knees. I was so broken, my life was a lie. The man I loved betrayed me yet again.
My family showed up shortly after while he was getting in his friends car to leave me with my feelings. My aunt apparently worked with the girl and they figured it all out that day, but they told her not to say anything because they knew I would be devastated. They put her on the phone and she was saying that she was sorry and that it had been going on for about a month they would get hotel rooms and he told her that HE was saving money to move and that he was done with me and my bullsh*t. They said they had screen caps of conversations but I just couldn't take it so I told them I didn't want to see. I stayed in my bed for 2 days, heartbroken with the lights off. I just couldn't feel anything besides pain. I broke down when I was alone in the house and called him. I was crying hysterically and all I could say was "Why?" He cried too and I just missed him so much. I went to his uncle's and got him. We talked in the car for hours and decided we would try to make it work. My friend ended up moving out shortly after and I moved him back in. I told him if we were going to be together I didn't want to put off the wedding anymore because our date had already passed. He told me he wanted nothing more than to be with me, so it was back on. I blamed my family for getting involved and secluded myself from them and we got married 2 months later, we eloped. Things were great, not perfect but good enough. I was happy we were together. We moved to a better house, he got a job and we started to work together and then we started fighting again. Worse than ever before. He didn't hit me, but he did grab me and corner me, put his hands on my throat, I told him that he needed to leave because I couldn't deal with this because I had grown up watching abuse and I decided a long time ago I didn't want it for myself. He didn't leave because it was his house too so I went to my friends house for a few days. I came back to try to talk things out and things ended up being broken. I told him I was done and we needed to be apart. We were separated. He begged for forgiveness but I just didn't know what to do after everything that had happened. I ended up sleeping with a good friend from high school, I woke up the next morning consumed with guilt. I ran back home, got on my knees and told him what happened and he went to walk out the door and I begged him to stay. He did and we tried to make it work again, and it was good until I just wasn't tending to his needs and we fought again, he ended up flipping the wooden coffee table and this fight was just the worst. I told him to leave and he actually did this time. And a few weeks later, I learned I was pregnant. My heart sank. I couldn't believe it. Especially since I was told I only had a 10% chance of having children without treatments. I went to my friend from school to tell him. And I really needed someone to talk to. Meanwhile my husband broke into the house and found my pregnancy test. He threatened suicide and I felt so guilty. I still do. He asked me to terminate the pregnancy and I just couldn't, this was a miracle baby. I might now have another chance to be a parent. Despite everything I let him move back in and sleep on the couch. My friend confessed his love for me and I just don't know how to feel after everything happening the way it did. I now have a beautiful one month old that I'm looking at right now and he is on the floor passed out on Xanax. I love my husband and I have a baby that isn't his and the father wants nothing more than for us to be a family but I cant see to let go. Everyone acts like the choice should be easy but i feel so guilty when I am around the father and I see this family I made outside of my marriage. I know he is toxic, he's bipolar and has borderline personality disorder. I just can't believe my life ended up here after working so hard to be with this man. I don't know what I'm expecting out of talking about it on here, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to because all my friends have deleted me and/or blocked me for letting him stay, and I know it's because I do this to myself.

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 3
[40]
Feb 7

Not only is he a cheater but he's abusive too. If he put his hands on you once like that he'll do it again. You need to be safe for you and your child's sake.

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Brokeness18yrs's picture
[555]
Feb 7

I know how that is with a husband that has the same mental illness but without the drugs and my husband refused to get help with it and he left back in 2008 and was cheating on me the whole time and he thought things were going to be so great with the OW and quickly he knew that wasn't reality . So I didn't know I was pregnant till I was 7 months into my pregnancy and he was told by a family member I was but the OW was pregnant too and paid for an abortion that was not his and all and forgave him of all that and more now back in the same spot yes believe you need to find a way to get his name off of there and put a restraining order against him bc it seems to me he's a danger to you both. My friends and family was the same way i decided to stay with him and he controlled everything in my life and now i am suffering

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[95465]
Feb 13

This man is toxic. I know it's easy for me to say because it isn't me going through it. But if I were you I'd try to stay alone until you know for sure whether the baby is truly the other man's. Once you have a paternity test you'll have some truth to go on. For now you're kind of in limbo. And ask yourself, is this man, your husband, the kind of father your child will need to have a good childhood with a foundation for a mentally balanced future?

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