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****TRIGGER WARNING**** Hi guys It's Smiley. I dont like ta

****TRIGGER WARNING****
Hi guys It's Smiley. I dont like talking about my feelings it makes me feel weak. I feel better talking to a stranger than to someone close to me and it affects me a lot because I push the ones I love away. This isn't what I wanted to talk about though, I want to talk about something personal to me that I cannot say out loud and have never said out loud. I resent my mom. I am second oldest out of 5 growing up, I have a brother older than me. I was always told "you have to learn to cook and clean otherwise your husband will beat you" my mom and dad always treated me different, part of me thinks I am not my dad's daughter based on stuff I found out over the years. My dad would pick on me a lot and would always say "you're the oldest when your sister grows a little older I'll tell her too" but he never really did. I would wash dishes and clean the kitchen ALL the time and some how I would get in trouble for not doing my sisters chores. But one major differance my mom and dad had was that my mom would not really see me as a daughter. She would always be so mean to me and talk bad about me to all my family. My older brother on the other hand was her saint. My brother would smoke weed, drink, get suspended, go around messing with multiple girls, and even got expelled and my mom was always there for him. My brother is only 4 years older than me. Me? I would do absolutely nothing except go to school and play outside with my sister which was when I was around 7 but I turned 9 and everything changed, my mom had more children which led to stress and she would blame us for not helping(me and my sister) she would sometimes lie and my dad would hit us because of it meanwhile my brother would go play video games with my uncle (He's my brothers age) and be outside doing drugs with him. One time I remember so vividly was when I was washing dishes and my dad just keep talking s*** because I was in a bad mood, I didn't want to was dishes I always did them. He got in my face and just started telling me I was worthless and weak and when I grew up I was going to be a man's punching bag my anger got the best of me and I screamed to him that I hated him and he pulled out his belt and beat me, he left bruises all over my legs and arms, when I went to sleep my body felt so numb because I was in pain and my mom came home and all she said is "You deserve it" I was 12. Here is the major difference that I am talking about, about a year later after that incident my oldest brother, my dad, and sister were sitting on the table eating. My mom was serving food, my dad was very religious during the time and he would talk about the bible and read it to us which as kids was really boring and my brother made a comment saying "f*** your religion don't drag me into that s***". My dad started to argue with my brother and my mom got mad at my dad because he was arguing with my brother,I will never forget this day... Their fight for to the point where they both stood up and when the did they slammed the table and hot coffee fell on my legs, I was wearing shorts.. My mom got in between my brother and dad because they were going to fight, they were just talking s*** to each other... Than my brother said "F*** you I hate you and everybody in this house". That night my brother ran away and left and note saying it was cause of my dad. My mom cried and cried until my dad got home and even told him she was considering divorce because it was his fault my brother ran away. My brother ended up calling and my mom told him that if he came back things would change and he did come back... My mom did not care about me whatsoever or what happened to me until I was 15... The only reason as to why was because I got raped. She became more open with me and caring but in a way I always thought my mom had a sense of jealousy because I was blossoming and everything I wore she would hate it or when I would put on makeup she would call me a clown. Getting raped changed my life completely... from 15 to 18 my life was going to school and coming home, everyday for 3 years I didn't want to meet anyone or be with someone I hated guys because of what had happen to me but there was one person who changed my whole out look I have been with him for about 2 years now and we have a beautiful son, I no longer live with my parents but they do talk bad about me and my significant other... My mom wants to be in my life now because of my son, he is her first grandson... I hope I have a daughter one day so I can give her the love and support my mother never gave me... I don't know why my mom doesn't want me but in the end life goes on and I still love her and yet resent her..

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Smiley_52's picture
[315]
Jan 12

@Rdan I cried reading this... for so long I blamed myself for her having this wall between us... I thought I had done something to her but in the end all I ever did was try to be a good daughter to my mom... My husband loves me so much and tells me that if my family doesn't want me to not stress because his family will always welcome me with open arms and I am beyond greatful I love all his brothers and sisters and My mother in law and father in law, they've always treated me like I'm part of their family but I do cry sometimes because I get more love and help from my husband's family than my own family... it makes me so sad and angry... I have tried to open up to my husband and he does understand me a lot, sometimes I feel like of it weren't for him I'd go insane or try to kill myself again.. My birthday is coming up in3 days and for the first time in my life my parents will not spend it with me... it makes me feel horrible... My baby is everything to me, and I do feel angry when the only reason she'll see me is for him... I have not talked to my parents since new years. They haven't even tried to reach out to me, I am trying to keep my distance and fill my life with people who do love and appreciate me... even though my mom doesn't love me I will always love her and maybe when I die I'll ask God why my mom was like that towards me.. I am so sorry about your daughter, she does not deserve that. No one does but I guess some mothers don't know how to love.

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Smiley_52's picture
[315]
Jan 12

@Rdan I do love my husband so much.. I put my feelings aside for him when he needs me and I try to be the best to him, he means the world to me... Life has not always been nice to me, everything I've had or have does not last but my husband gave me something that will last for a lifetime... My son... I will always have him even if one day I end up alone as for my husband, no matter what I will forever hold him dear to my heart and I will always love him.

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Rdan's picture
[7130]
Jan 13

Circle the wagons - just like in an old western. When there is a danger approaching pull close together, communicate with each other and stay alert. Hugs!!! :)

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