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Hi guys.  Im sorry this is so very long!! But i feel Ive be

Hi guys.  Im sorry this is so very long!! But i feel Ive been losing my mind for 20 years.

I grew up with the classic setting of a drug addicted mom and a emotionless father.  My mom is the root of my problems. She was abusive mentally and physically.  I grew up believing I was a piece of ****.

I would constantly think about dying and think of ways to kill myself. I would harm myself (cut and punch myself) and animals to take out frustration. To clarify I did know it was wrong for hurting the pets and stopped and never did it again. (I am sorry dont hate me I was so young).

I would think of ways to kill my mother.  She would OD often, and hallucinate and beat the **** out of me. Starve me. Make fun of me. Call me ugly, stupid, and tell me that I wasnt her real child (i am adopted). The list goes on. I used to break mirrors looking at myself or sit there and cry staring.

I developed sever social issues - obviously, and still carry them; extreme paranoia, anger issues, depersonalization disorder, social anxiety.. I am very good at pretending I am normal around people, no one knows the half of this.

I constantly feel worthless and literally STUPID around people. I am smart enough to self assess and find the problem and cause, but i am not strong enough to beat it.

I constantly think im being watched.  I feel there's cameras in my house (i dont do drugs) I know I'm not interesting. Its not a logical thought. I feel people watch me and think they're talking about me.

I slip out of my mind. I know im there but i don't feel there. It happens randomly.

My temper is so short. I cant help it. But i have so much composure around people... its so crazy. I feel like 2 different people... and i dont know either of them.

I don't cry unless it is out of selfishness. Someone could die and I will not react.

I care about people. I help people. But at the same time, i hate every one of them.

Ive also been raped before and felt like it was my fault.

My sisters used to be sexual towards me when i was young (i am also a female) I tried to block that memory out.

Does anyone relate? I feel like a monster. What is wrong with me.
I feel so alone even when I'm not.

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[260]
Feb 7

This is truly a terrible situation and I am very sorry that all of this has happened to you. I recommend that you speak to a therapist or counselor of some sort because this is serious stuff. I hope that you can start to feel better soon, and always remember that there is an entire community of people that support you. Best wishes!

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IAmHealing's picture
[37645]
Apr 15

@Panteria51
Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this. Ur not alone and I hope you can find support here

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Foundlove's picture
[8940]
Apr 16

We can’t diagnose you and neither can you. You should seek professional counselor that you feel you can trust.. at least give it a try and if don’t like then find another. I went through like 3 therapist before I felt like sticking it out with one that I felt could actually trust. I do struggle with self hate and hating people in past also. It’s hard and bling journey to recovery but I finally got to point where I had to get better or I had to end my life. I couldn’t take constant struggle n pain. With childhood abuse, many disorders can develop but doesn’t mean can’t be helped... I think majority people don’t know how to help tough issues like this even professional... it’s like wounds to your spirit n only you can reflect and figure out treatment. I believe the treatment that works for one person is not the same for another. It’s kind of like being diagnosed diabetic but all diabetics take different medications. I started my journey with picking up book about childhood abuse called trauma and recovery by Judith Herman. From there kept picking up books related to subject, journaling, counselor, trying every treatment I could find and just giving shot... never did any medications. The one time a doctor put me on Zoloft for depression I immediately got bad side effects and decided I will not do any medication until I’ve tried the other types of treatment like meditation, and other exercises. If you want to get better and believe you can get better then I think you will get better! Attitude is very important. There’s so many people struggling with similar issues and have gotten better.

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