matthew clarke

I am a 49 year old male that has been told that I am suffering from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I have been successful in business and career; however certain alters are starting to take control a little at a time, and my blockouts/lost times are becoming more frequent. It seems my issues had started at very young age (4-5 years old). One of the few memories I have is waking up naked in a field covered with newspapers. Shortly after that I recall being stripped naked by a group of boys and girls and being tied to a bed and beaten and fondled. Later on my babysitter and her oldest daughter would tie an electrical cord around my penis and drag me around the round while placing different items in my anus. Some times they would do this in the nude and other times they would not. From the age of about 9 until 12 I had found myself, sneaking away to our attic and practicing oral sex on different items, and inserting different types of items in my on ass, or dressing up like a girl while doing all this. By the age of 12 I would walk along small highways exposing myself to passers by, or find secluded areas of the woods to undress/masturbate/practice sexual activities. I would wear only silk scarf's or very skimpy women clothing. Mean while I would carry on relationships with girlfriends, date, etc. sometimes never remembering the "other" events that took place. The last two years of high school turned really dangerous. I would skip school, and hide out under bridges, abandoned warehouses, or houses. I would dress like a prostitute and practice oral sex, anal sex anything that would excite me. Until one day I was discovered by a man walking by. He didn't have to force me to do anything he wanted. I had found my first experience dressed as a women and having sex like a women so exciting. Unfortunately this caused me to attempt suicide a week later. Everything got washed under the "bridge". No one knew what had been going on. The next cycle of this type of behavior started again when I was 23. I then, by accident observed another transvestite in a city park. He would meet different males in the public restroom and have sex with them there. Sometimes dozen of men in a single night. All of a sudden I found my self in the same park. Participating in the same. My new found friend helped me with my make-up, my hair, and dressing. we would sometimes be the center of orgies with no fewer than 6 other men having sex with us. After 4 months of this I just stopped. Threw everything away and didn't even think about again. It wasn't for another few years that any of this ever came back to me. I had moved, changed jobs etc....went to school and got my degree and was working then it started again. This time in a more dangerous fashion. I found myself, walking the streets as prostitute. Offering my self to anyone, most of the time for free. I would frequent 24hr adult video stores and perform oral sex on countless men until 4-4:30 in the morning. I would then go home pass out on my bed and go to work as if nothing had ever happened. I have been told by my counselor that I most likely suffer from DID, and that one of my identities is a very sexually active women. I need to get back in control of my life. I have not had any other episodes in the last 6 years, but I fear that stress could bring this out again. Anyone out there whom wishes to discuss I am available.

Latest Posts by matthew clarke

• 
  7/7 Triggers (sexual and abusive)
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  I had an extended appointment with my T and my Physc yesterday. This was the first time I had had a meeting with both at the same time. To a certain e...
  Latest Post by tools on Tue, 06/21/2011 - 18:59. Comments - 1
• 
  7/12
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  The weekend went so-so. Seems I sat and just vegetated out most the day on Saturday, and on Sunday I slipped a little. On Saturday night I couldn't sl...
  Submitted by matthew clarke on Mon, 07/12/2010 - 14:26. Comments - 0
• 
  7/8
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  Last night and this morning were really pleasant. The girls of my support group are really awesome people. Another day and I am still here, I am happy...
  Submitted by matthew clarke on Thu, 07/08/2010 - 11:21. Comments - 0
• 
  7/06
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  Since last Friday all has been relatively calm. I see my T and Phyc today, for the first time since starting to meet some other women whom understand ...
  Submitted by matthew clarke on Tue, 07/06/2010 - 12:11. Comments - 0
• 
  7/01
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  Yesterday afternoon I spoke to a women on the phone whom belongs to another group. She like me suffers from DID. When she called I was in a bad place ...
  Latest Post by April on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 19:14. Comments - 1
• 
  6/30
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  Left work, and could not help to pull off the road for 20 minutes. I pulled off at a rest stop and went into the restroom to a stall. I took off all m...
  Latest Post by April on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 09:56. Comments - 3
• 
  I am me today
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  Today is 6/29/10; I am me today. I only slept about three hours last night, as I kept waking up to some strange noises around me. I had two distinct d...
  Submitted by matthew clarke on Tue, 06/29/2010 - 09:55. Comments - 0
• 
  I want to be me
  Borderline Personality Disorder
  I am a 49 year old male that has been told that I am suffering from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I have been successful in business and caree...
  Submitted by matthew clarke on Mon, 06/28/2010 - 15:04. Comments - 0

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