Male rape survivors story

Hello everybody. Im a new member and I just joined up so this will be my first journal post. Well my name is Matt and I am a High School Junior. Im 17 years old and Im here to share my story as a male rape survivor. I was raped when I was 15 years old at my community baseball game on July 21, 2009. A little backround information about me, I've been a baseball player my entire life. Ever since I could walk and swing a bat. On that particular day it just seemed like another game against the Danville team. Its strange, looking back, how i never knew that day would be the end of one life and the begining of another. I cant even tell you who won the game. I can tell you what i do remember though. I went to the rest room. Why that certain time, I will never know. He was in there when I walked in. I didnt pay any mind. Just went to the urinal and took care of my business. I cant even tell you if he was watching me or not but he must have been. It was after i was done washing my hands that he grabbed me. I screamed, my first reaction and he slapped his hand over my mouth. We were alone in the bathroom yet he dragged me into the last stall on the right. I remember this because of the writting on the stall door. A friend of mine had carved a bible scripture into it when we were in the 6th grade. It was still there. I remember staring at it the entire time. Praying that it would be over soon, hopeing i was dreaming. But I wasn't. It was real. The guy locked the door and forced me up against it. I fought, screamed, cursed, cried. Most of it muffled. I was no match. The man was 6'4 and 220 lbs. I was 5'6 and 140. He ripped my pants down like it was nothing. I dont like to remember what happend next. But i said I was going to share my story so here it is. I bled. The pain was indescribable. He keept going. Calling me names. I was his little "boy" His "toy" He said he had been waiting for me. It lasted an eternity. Each thrust another knife in my mind. I was numb. One part of it so surreal, the other part of me fading away. It was like a lucid dream, I couldnt tell if i was awake or dreaming. It was horrible. Then it was over. The first rape that is. I was just laying there. Too shocked to move. My mind too numb. He smiled at me. Asked me if I had enjoyed it as much as he had. Then he started beating me. Kicking me over and over and over. Punching me, Choking me, spitting on me. I couldnt scream, he was litteraly crushing my vocal cords. I couldnt breathe, couldnt think. Panick, terror, fear. He choked me out. I was unconscious. For how long, I dont know. What i do know is that once i awoke I was still laying on the bathroom floor. He was still there. On top of me. He was raping me again. I dont remember what I did or how I felt at this point. I was numb. emotionaly and physicaly. He continued to taunt me. Curse at me, call me derogatory names for homosexuals. He ejaculated inside of me. Once he finished he calmly stood up and proceded to wash his hands. I couldnt move. I dont know why but i just curled up in a ball on the floor and started to sob. He looked at me, aploigized and left the room. That was the last time i saw him untill the day he stared me down in the court room. I can still smell the bleach from the floor in my mind. Feel the blood and fluid surrounding me. I dont know how long I was on that floor. I remember parents and police officers and ambluances. Red and white lights, sirens. I just dont know how it all happend. I dont remember who found me, but i learned later that a couple of boys found me and while some ran for help the others stayed and talked to me. Tried to comfort me. I dont remember that though. My parents rode in the ambulance with me. They had come to watch me play. They had to send my grandmother back for the car. I remember asking that once we got to the emergency room at the hospital. "What about the car?" I never did find out who won the game. It was canceld if i recall correctly. 2 broken ribs, a broken wrist,broken left arm, fractured larynx, brain contusion, sprained ankle and 3 anal fissures. Got 27 stiches in my head and 8 in my anus. Had to have a rectal surgery preformed 2 months later. Still in therapy 2 years later. Many struggles and I ask my self why every day. The man who beat and raped me that day was high on meth. Why he choose me of all the people there that day I will never know. While he is serving 30 years I have to serve a life time of flashbacks and nightmears. Yet i ask my self every day when does the pain end? .. Well thanks for listening. I do feel a little better retelling my story. I'll be updating and keeping everyone posted on my progress soon. Also, the picture of myself, if anyone is curious was taken about a month before my rape.

Comments

puppydoglvr's picture

Hi Matt, welcome to Support Groups. Thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, though I am happy to hear that you are as well as can be. I think that continually being in therapy will help you heal and sharing your story will certainly help so many others who have gone through a similar situation, but also as a warning. Please keep sharing with us and know that we are here for you, here to support you.

Sending you many positive vibes and wishing you all of the best.

MattMilller's picture

Thank you so much. That means a lot. Yes, recovery is a slow but highly rewarding proccess.
Also, It did serve as a community warning afterwards. We now have a buddy system in play whenever we go to the bathrooms or similary isolated areas. Im also proud to say that Im still playing baseball. And ofcourse, I am looking forward to updating my proggresions with everyone.

puppydoglvr's picture

Matt, I think that it is so incredibly commendable that you've worked to help others who have gone through this, and the buddy system is genius. I think that at times we take our safety for granted and it's important to understand that this type of situation can happen anywhere anytime. Please keep sharing with us, we are here for you.

Sending you many positive vibes and wishing you all of the best.

optimistic's picture

Damn Matt...I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. That is a very messed up story. It takes a great deal of courage to speak of it, and I commend you for that. i am very happy to hear the dude who did that to you is serving 30 years. It doesn't make up for the pain you went through, but at least it takes him off the street and prevents him from hurting others. i wish you the best, and thanks again.
HAPPY HEALTHY STRONG FREE

Damien Veltice's picture

I cnt say I know what ur going through, cause not exactly the same thing happend to me, and well I still feel for you. And btw tht guy who did those awful tHings to you deserves to sit in a cage for 30yrs.

dare's picture

..

I learnt:Life is what we make it , I can either embrace it whole heartedly or choose to let it to continuely weigh me down. New motto: unload when safe , dump completely others and punch holes where i can to let the rest seep out.

bubbly30218's picture

You're brave. I would never have had the guts to stand up to my * in court. I wish that every person who expirienced or is expiriencing this has the courage to stand back up too.

yonkers's picture

Hi Matt,

I don't think you should feel like you are permanently effected by this, at least not more so than if you had a major car accident, except in this case an animal attack accident. Recalling detailed memories will help you feel numb to the experience overtime, like not feeling a ring on your finger after constant stimuli. I mean you'll remember it with the list of all the other unfortunate crap that happens in many of our lives. Unfortunately human beings are semi-civilized beasts and not everyone has an anti-beast in their minds to control that. It had to be an intense experience. Shock, weird confusion, pain, hospital and your parents being there?!? I can't imagine how tired your mind had to be after all of that. But file this memory with the same one where a dog may have chased you, I doubt the man was any smarter than an average dog anyways, and the best we all agreed on is to cage these beasts. I do wish there was a law to castrate rapists, you know, if you can't behave right, you lose your gonad privileges. God should have included an owner's manual.

kc55's picture

Matt....I'm so sorry for all you've gone thru an are still dealing with during your recovery. I'm thankful you are alive! What a horrible thing to go thru! I'm so proud that you are proactive and helping others to be safe today. You are a remarkable young man and should be proud of your bravery! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us! I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

God loves you and so do I! Kathy

kc55's picture

Matt....I'm so sorry for all you've gone thru an are still dealing with during your recovery. I'm thankful you are alive! What a horrible thing to go thru! I'm so proud that you are proactive and helping others to be safe today. You are a remarkable young man and should be proud of your bravery! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us! I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

God loves you and so do I! Kathy

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