Too many emotions , not enough peace!
This has been one hulluva year! I am so depressed anymore and somedays its more manageable than other days. My sis - in law that my husband and I use to live with and I got into a big blow up argument and now I feel like she is making me out to be an a$$ to the rest of my in-laws including the rich snobs that were too good to congratulate nor show up at my wedding. My sis-in-law wanted her bathroom fixed up to accomedate her cat of all things! The toilet needed to be moved in a manner that her cat could just on the counter and watch her in the morning while she put on her makeup and she just kept hounding my husband and making side cracks to my dad who was visiting as well as neighbors and in front of me and people at our garage sale that we were having in another state since we are now moved out of that state and away from her and we are proud home owners of our first little house together. I don't mind someone asking nicely for things, but nagging and making sarcastic remarks do! the house we left was my mother and father-in laws' and it hurts me to know that her intimidation and her jelousy towards my husband and I being together has put a wedge in the relationship. I had asked her why she insisted that it had to be done so immediatedly and she said that it was because she wanted it done before winter which was fine I told her that since our home needs to be fixed t, that she needed to wait a little and she had a fit. She made my husband out as a peice of crap for a brother. He has done nothing but fix things for her ( since she had the whole upstairs of our 5-6 bedroom victorian), to herself which was never good enough for miss greedy old maid! I told her that my husband has done nothing but kiss her a$$ and was nothing but a handy man to her and thats all he was, there was no bond, and no real relationship-he even told me that! But I'm an A$$ for sticking up for him and my marriage! I have another sis in law that lives in CT she is pissed because my sis-in law told her how I felt about a message posted on fb which the one in ct made about my weight, and ended up with me being made to feel like I was killing myself with food and that she hopes that I dont die anytime soon and make my husband a widower! for one I eat less than most people do, but I don't stare and I really dont eat cookies and bad snacks, so I dont know where she's coming from other than just being rude! she also blames my husband for her not hooking up with him 24 years ago because he suppoely said something about her weight, which she has had a weight problem for years too. I asked my husband if he had ever said anything and that was not true! She blames my husband for her fat! I'm sorry , but I was always told that the only person who can make you overeat is you . It wasn't like he jammed a cookie down her throat and told her to eat! It has been 24 years and she needs to to move on! My husband and I have been working on getting our house working on our new home and it does need work but for the most part its in really good shape, but I'm embarrased to have company and I tried explaining this to the inlaws and because of the 2 blow ups, I'm being accused of now wanting to spend time with anyone! I just want to have my home looking nice , is that too much to ask?? I want themn to feel welcome and invited and not cluttered and I dont want ppl picking on me or putting me down, but I never said "no I dont want you here at all "! I said that we were going to spend time with my family and our house needed to be fixed up first. MY house is small that we live in and my husband and I dont have kids and I feel that its been thrown in my face a few times by my inlaws because we had a big enough house before . I couldnt conceive tho. So much stress and I constantly felt belittled for being a young wife. Anytime I did something like decorated or moved something, it was like it needed approval by my sis in law who lived with us. She would do this ofcourse when my husband was busy or at work so he didnt know the extent until lastyear he says firsthand how she was getting to both of us. She is so jelous of ppl in relationships and made comments that she would like to have a male companion but refuses to do anything about it. I asked if she still hurts and she says no so I dont know. she is a old maid and work aholic cat woman and I do mean this nice, there is no other way to describe it. I feel like a failure because she had said coutless times that she wishes I would conceieve and I 've failed.I'm heartbr4eak every year because the old house was a nice place to raise kids and my body wouldnt let me. THe joy of having PCOS , ughhhh!! I feel like I failed as a sister to my inlaws, I hsve 6 siblings who are grade school age and younger(dad's second marriage, mom and dad only had me)because I dont live right around the block to see them and since the move its put a strain on gas money to see them all the time. I feel like a failure to my husband because he wants kids too and I haven't a one to share with him! MY mom lives in oklahoma and I havent seen her in years . She doesnt have the money to visit me and I dont have the money right now to visit her. MY husband 's job is going ok, but so many things could go wrong and the bosses talk that if things dont improve to demand that they can close. So now I 'm worried whats going to happen.
We are also Hoping to adopt within the next year or so since natural methods are not working including the pregnancy pills(dont remember but clomid maybe??) I dont even know much about adoption but I deffinetly am looking into it with my husband and I believe it would be a great option. I would LOVE a family , however way possible! I want a holiday better than it has been! PLease if you are reading this, please don't think I'm a mean spirited person . I have given all the love and support and got crapped on in the end and I cant take it! I have forgiven time and time and tried to make ammends and I would get stabbed again so I'm not going to let them hurt me again by staying away and letting them think of what they did.
Like I said its been emotional and I'm angry for not being a mom, angry that I have lack of support, angry that I don't have the family I dreamed of as well as extended one. I'm a sthw and I hurt my back around this time last year and I'm hoping to not having any repeated health issues like last year! I want to loose weight for ME , not for someone else I want to be healthy for my own acceptance and am looking into getting help with my weight by a medical professional after the holidays . I'm just stressed and scared of not knowing what to do with what I can't change and dont have control over! Now I guess I have it all out. ughhh