Oh god please help!
I am destroying myself and my relationship with the only man that I have ever loved. I am a 30 year old white female and he is a 34 year old white male. We have been together for 3 years and 4 months ago he asked me to marry him. Right after he asked me to marry him I initially thought that the problems I had would feel better because I would have some reason to know that he "wanted me" I guess but ironically it just made me feel worse. In the first year of us dating things were amazing as with most relationships I am sure. He wanted me all the time but after awhile I started to notice that things were changing for him, he only wanted sex when he could watch porn while we were doing it which is ok with me because I like porn too and I am also in no denial that no matter how much a man loves you his mind is wired differently and needs other stimulation that just the same thing all the time and I can be comfortable with that but what started to bother me is that he would ONLY want to watch porn with white guys and black girls. No variety what so ever. I know some people have very specific sexual preferences and that is ok but I am white and I do not think that he is attracted to me at all so this has been eating away at the deepest parts of me. For the last year and a half he seems less than interested in sex with me and when he does make any effort it feels very fake like he is just trying to prove something and I cant handle it the feeling just makes me want to cry. I used to love sex and thought about it all the time and I crave him but now it is just painful. He masturbates to porn EVERY chance he gets which is almost daily, so often that sometimes when we would be together he couldn't orgasm. I kept it to myself for a long time and just tried to work it out in my head with no resolve. I finally brought it up to him and tried to do it in the most sensitive way so he wouldn’t think that I was attacking him or trying to say anything bad about his sexuality but he was very closed off and me trying to talk to him has made things a million times worse and now everything with us is extremely closed off and I cant deal with that because sexual openness and connection is very important to me. I have been making myself crazy and really do not understand why he is with me because he obviously has no attraction to me. I mean if he liked girls with dark hair I could surprise him and dye my hair, or if he liked role play or if he liked feet or if he liked lingerie, etc I could play ball in those fields and play with him but this one I cant be a part of and I have never felt so unattractive in all my life. I don’t know what to do I don’t know if this will never work and I should leave him or if there is something I can do to make things good with us. I think he knows how insecure this makes me and seems like it just makes him want me less. I used to be a very open sexually confident woman and now I feel like a pathetic insecure little girl. I am in a bad mood and depressed ALL the time which may sound a little ridiculous but I guess you just have to feel what I am feeling to understand how destructive this is.
Red flag--sounds like he has a porn addiction! I don't think he necessarily prefers black women...that's just what his brain has wired him to get off on. The guy needs help! If you both could get couples counseling and he individual, that'd help your relationship tremendously. In the meantime, please realize that it isn't you! You're obviously sexually open minded and what man wouldn't want that!! You seem sensitive to his feelings too. (Honey, you're a catch!) Choosing porn over a partner is definitely not normal. I'm not an expert in these things, but from what you've described, your partner is a porn addict! Don't marry him until he fixes that. You deserve the world!
I agree also he sounds like he is addicted to porn and its unhealthy. I also think you both should go to counseling to try to work it out. He might not like the idea and be in denial of his problem. You need to put your needs and wants on the table and if he can't compromise, then he simply isn't worth marrying.