Reliving the past
The seconds turn into minutes and the minutes soon turn to hours all I want to do is sleep but I can't because when I close my eyes I'm no longer safe, my dreams are filled with images of that kid, the one who broke my trust. It's been almost nine months since my rape. I was 15 and he was 14, I've always be skinny, but I never saw myself as weak until that night. He was strong and I couldn't get him off of me. I hate him for what he did to me, he says he was so high he blacked out and couldn't remember anything, but I know this is wrong, he knew what he was doing. Every now and again I realize I don't think about him anymore, until I get reminded again because I have to go to court to answer the assistant district attorneys questions about that night. I just want to forget. I want to forget, I want court to be over. So i didn't have to be reminded about him every time I start forgetting. I was a cutter when I met him, after that night I met a girl and feel in love with her, but she dumped me two weeks ago because I won't forget the kid who raped me. She told me I needed help and when I got over him and what happened we could be friends. I know I'm rambling but I'm really just trying to keep my hands busy, so I don't reach for the razor near my bed. I'd go to bed, but I don't want the nightmares.
Sweetie, I am probably in no position to offer you advice, but I couldn't leave the website without saying something to you. Of course you have PTSD and nightmares after what happened to you. It may be too soon for you to be "in love", but someone that loves you would not expect you to "get over it". There is a rape support group on here and I am thinking you might do better talking with others who have been in your situation, that have started to heal. Maybe they can give you some advise or just a friendlier shoulder to lean on. Unless someone has been through what you have, they can't fully understand.
There are some medications the doctor can give you to help keep the dreams away and other medications. You need to see your doctor and get them to put you on the proper medications. Then get into counseling ASAP they can help and will help you deal with things. Will you ever get over it? I don't know. My wife has been through it and at certain times of the year she still cries for no reason. I think it is normal to never fully get over something like that. know you hate court and reliving the event but you have to be strong. Rape is a crime of violence and control. The boy feels empowered by the fact that he has this lasting hold on you. Even though that hold is negative. You can break that hold! First get him convicted. Make sure he is placed on the sex offenders registry. When he is found guilty you will have taken some control back. The counseling will get you there too.