Trying to understand how a narcissist works has been very hard on me. I don't know if it is because I don't want to believe I fell for one or because as bad as this sounds I am just hoping that maybe he is just a typical "asshole" that will one day change. Regardless, I've been having a hard time. He left me the same week my dad left our family, so I guess it has been hard recovering from the both but I feel so guilty because for some reason I feel as if I am overwhelmed by more sadness from my narc ex than my dad. I can't seem to move on. He is the number one topic that I tend to talk about to people and that makes me feel crazy, I also feel as if something is wrong with me for one of two reasons: 1. If there is nothing wrong with my ex, then I caused him to treat me the way that he did, and I must have done something extremely horrible if I am receiving silent treatment for this long, an I'd like to know what I did so that I can fix it. 2. if he is a narc I do not understand, knowing as much information as I do know, why I would still be chasing someone like him. I know I deserve better, anyone does, so why do I keep txting him and "blow up" his phone just begging for a response from someone who I know I probably don't deserve. And to add to the point, why do I even react the way I do with him where if someone else ignored me I'd learn to let go. I do not feel confident in myself anymore. I feel as if I am in a prison of my own mind. Some days are good, and I am happy without him, which again is out of character for me because I am a very independent person, but even on good days I still think of him. he has ignored me completely for three weeks now. I don't know why. I do know I should give up but it's like I have this "obsession" which also makes me feel crazy. I guess I came to the site with the hopes that I can figure out what is wrong with me. Because I feel like I have been fighting a constant battle, when there is nothing to fight but myself. I also desperately want to know if the silent treatment he is giving me is forever now or if one day he will contact me again. I want to know this for the purpose of knowing that maybe one day I can turn HIM down for the first time in six years, or so that I feel worth something to him. Like I'm not a joke. or pathetic. I also want to understand how to fix whatever I did to him. I hope someone can relate or understand how I feel because lately I am having a hard time understanding myself. and I have done so much research but that only releases the pain and "obsession" I feel for so long. I have come to the point where I do not want him back, but I do want to turn him down. And I know that's selfish. Sorry for the length :( what's wrong with me?
sad but true
Very true. I was married to one for 40 years. The problem with NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE is that they think they ARE NEVER EVER AT FAULT. No matter what happens its the next guys fault. They USE PEOPLE, their MEAN, they get a kick out of HURTING whoever they can. My husband use to make me cry and the next second he'd say, OH ARE WE GOING TO CRY NOW? How cruel. The people in my life who are N, won't go for help. They go on their MERRY WAY thinking everything is fine because they are IN CONTROL. My husband has drained me physically especially going through a 4 year divorce. He has not taken my self esteem away from me though. I love myself and I like who I am. He has how ever taken every last cent I have because I had to pay his 1/2 of of the bills we were suppose to both pay. He on the other hand has taken his girlfriend on 3 cruises, bought a brand new truck, bought a Motor Home etc. while I'm not sure if I will meet my bills each month. They totally love to crush you. I truly believe they could kill a person and just walk away and think nothing of it. My husband was so cruel he would make me sit and go through our checkbook not once or twice but 3 times. I use to get sick when we had to do that. If I was a penny off either to the good or minus a penny, he would scream at me calling me stupid. Finally I told him, you don't like the way I do the checkbook then you take it over. I refused to. He didn't like when I stood up to him. Then we would go on vacation and he had a GPS. He would tell me to look at the GPS and tell me where we had to go. I looked at him and said, What are you absolutely crazy? No matter where we were or what we were doing, I always came last. He had me thinking I was crazy. No I wasn't. These people see themselves as Gods. Through this divorce he has changed lawyers 4 times just so it would drag out and I'd have to spend more money. In fact when I started this divorce he told me, if you go through with this I (him) will take every last cent you have. I had to live with him for 11 months. It was so horrible. He would start saying things just to set me off. So I learned to not answer him, if the TV was ONI would hit the Volume button and just blast it. They can't take it when their not in control. I've figured it out they are this way because they don't like who they are and they have low self esteem. I really wish I would have got away from him sooner. But that's life.
Now that I have come to learn the signs, I see that my FIL is most likely narc, which spawned my DH.
Anyway, my inlaws divorced when DH was in middle school. FIL was an ass to her, and then after the divorce all of a sudden he's Mr. Charming again. Paying attention to MIL, the kids, doing stuff for them, being sweet and loving...all the things he didn't do as a husband which got them divorced.
She actually took him back after two years and remarried him. And of course....he returned to his old ways. Narcs don't LEARN anything....they are merely playing a role that they need to in order to get what they want.
Your silence will get to him....he will see he needs you back for his purposes. He will contact you, be charming and sweet, and it will look SO much like he has changed. He will not have. It's a role they play as an actor does. Good luck.