Marijuana & Me
Let me start by giving you a little background of my bud smoking and why I'm searching for support.
I smoked for about 10 years. I'm 27 now. I'm an entrepreneur that owns several very success online business. I started smoking socially a couple times a week and then it became something I did 10+ times a day. 9 months ago I quit smoking bud cold turkey. I met up with an old friend 6 months into quitting and smoked. I hadn't smoked before that or again until now, 3 months later (the 9 month mark). I don't have any good reason for why I smoked for 10 years or any real good reason for why i recently smoked. I can probably make up a 10000 excuses or justifications, but no real logical reason.
The main problem isn't that I relapsed and smoked, as I know this does and can happen to addicts like myself. It's the fact that I have lied to my girlfriend about smoking or having weed. We have been together for about 2 years now and she has been so supportive and there for me when I quit 9 months ago. I originally quit for myself and for her. She is a 4th grade teacher and despises bud. I don't blame her. She started dating me and knew I smoked bud and was fine with it, but i wanted to quit for her and myself. After all those months of being sober, I realized how much better I felt and how much happier i was without it.
As I previously stated, i recently smoked again and lied to her about doing it when she asked. Eventually I came out and told her the truth after lying to her face. Today, i brought my one hitter box into our condo with the intention of smoking again. I had put it in my jean pockets in my laundry to put away, thinking this was a good place to hide it from her ( you see the problem? ). Earlier today, she had asked me if i had any bud on me and I said no. She was putting my clothes away after dinner and the one hitter box fell out of my pocket. At this time there was no running from the truth, so I came out and told her that I had intended to smoke, but had NOT yet smoked. Obviously she didn't believe me, even though it was the truth. This is what lead me to join and write this.
I'm not a religious person, but I believe in fate and reasoning. I was obviously never meant to smoke and that I was caught prior to the action even taking place. I take it as a sign from a higher being. My main concern and the thing I need help with is why do I keep having these urges to smoke? Why am I not strong enough to continue to stay sober? Is she ever going to be able to understand and trust me again? Why did I lie to her about it when I'm normally an honest person!
I'm not looking for an answer like , "just quit/stop smoking", "don't get caught", or "dont lie". I know all those things, but its just not that easy for some reason. I'm just searching for help!!!
Generally I'm the person who all my friends come to for help because I am a trust-worthy, loyal & HONEST person! I just don't have anyone to talk to about this or anyone to ask for help. I don't want to lose my girlfriend as I know she is my soul mate and it would kill me to lose her.
I know my thoughts are all over the place because I am so torn and hurt about putting my girlfriend through this and lying. As well as, relapsing. I know I'm heading the right direction by at least being able to admit the truth and being honest to myself about having the addiction.
This situation seems very frustrating, but there is a way out of it. You ARE strong enough to stop and to stay away from weed; you just need to learn how to do it.
You smoked for ten years. Not to point out the obvious, but that's a LONG time. Of course it isn't going to be easy to stop. It's just like any other habit; in order to stop doing it, you'll need to change and you might need to find something else to replace it with.
It seems like your girlfriend is supportive enough to help you stop smoking. Instead of going out and picking up some bud the next time you feel like smoking, call her and tell her that you're craving it. She will remind you why you don't want to smoke, and she may be able to distract you long enough for the craving to pass.
She should be able to trust you again, and your being honest with her from now on is the most important thing in reaching that point. You lied to her probably because you don't want to disappoint her. I'm a very honest person too, but when it comes to my doing something that will disappoint my boyfriend or my mom or someone who I care very much about, I do tend to lie about it because it hurts to disappoint those people, especially when they've done so much to support me and help me better myself.
If you find that your cravings continue and you just aren't able to fight them, consider counseling. A professional can help you discover the answers to all of the questions you asked in your post.
I am in a similar situation with lying to my wife. She hates weed, and I have broken her trust many times. I finally decided that my state of mind and marriage were more important. You have had great success and can achieve it again. Remind yourself how great you feel without weed and how much you love your girlfriend. You can do it!