I AM OUT OF CONTROL
I am a mother of an 8 year old. But I am not a great mother and I know many would hesitate to say good. I am no great mother, but I am the a great addict. I am addicted to everything and I am so tired of it ruling my life, ruining my life and making me want to end my life. I smoke pot all day. I don't know how to quit, when to quit or if I can quit at all. I have smoked heavily like this since 2007. Pot runs my life. SO you would think. I am also addicted to the internet. I am a college student/mother/pot addict who cannot get enough of the internet. So with a bong to my left, a keyboard in front of me and a mouse to my right I live online. My lower back screams at me most day. I have an account for every website possible. I spend hours face-booking, pinning, tumbling, you-tubing and stumbling. It is amazing I have a 4.0 GPA in school right now. Unfortunately my boyfriend told me I don't have to be perfect and get straight A's. I somehow took that seriously and now I am fucked up and far behind. This was about a week ago. I haven't studied Spanish for over a week. I haven't read or done anything for my Stress MGMT class, and my online math class looks dismal. I went from A's to F's. Just like everything in my life. I can't be grey. I go from extreme to extreme. So I have been telling myself, do math, do spanish, write your paper, but instead I am customizing blog backgrounds and looking up more information on losing weight. Which brings on another complicated layer. I got up to 300 pounds. Wow. So I have lost like 15 pounds, and have been trying so hard to do so. BUT that is taking up the time I used to have to make up for my time spent smoking pot and internet surfing. I don't want to stop getting healthy because it is far more important than pot and surfing the web. Yet here comes another catch... I need the internet, just like I need food, yet I am addicted to both. I need the internet to do all of my school work. HA. There is just NO way around it. Just like I can't start starving to quit my food addiction. I guess I could go through and block every website that is unimportant. But that is insane. I guess what I want is to have that self control that I am just extremely in need of right now. But an addict just happening upon self control?! Ahh... I can't fuck up school. I depend on the financial aid. Because I am so messed up I can't keep a job, so I am going to school just so I can have some money to help my boyfriend out, because he takes care of me and all my problems. I don't use the money on pot, because that is all free, but I use that money to pay bills, for gas, for HEALTHY food! I can't get food stamps because of that money. But if I don't do well at school that financial aid is threatened which means every GOOD thing I have been working towards is going to just fall apart. I have been doing great in school.. I mean all A's is amazing.. I have been exercising and losing weight, that is great!.. There are positive things I am doing but I feel like I systematically fucking myself over again and again, because my addictions are more powerful than my will and self control. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of fighting myself. I just want to be able to get what I need done without the distractions of bad habits. Anyways.... I don't know if this is a rant or a cry for help or what.. I hope maybe some of you can relate... and all of this relates to my 8 year old, because she needs to have a good role model in her life, not a half ass like me. I want to fix this for us both.
what caused you to become an addict?