Richard - Here are a couple of resources
A couple of comments:
The book "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum really helped me understand why I had an affair to begin with.
Also, marriagemax.com - website that could have saved my marriage had I known about it before I ever got out.
I loved my husband very much and tried to save our marriage, but didn't have any resources or knowledge to even know that we were in serious trouble until it was too late.
I've been divorced now for 6 months and it hurts every day, even though I'm with the other man and love him very much (our affair has lasted two and a half years), and now we live together.
My family (grown children with their own kids) have disowned me and I was very close to my grandchildren. My heart is broken over the loss of my family, but they won't allow me to have happiness.
The book and website are my two suggestions that could help you both tremendously. If you want to save your marriage, you have to have resources that can help.
It is a hard thing for children to acknowledge that their parents aren't the package deal that they believed. I would suggest trying to connect with your children and telling them how saddened you are that you hurt them and their father. Having an affair causes huge pain and that if you could do it over you would handle things differently. Explain that the man you are with now is someone you truly love, but you didn't want it to be a him vs them. Hopefully with time a variety of hurts will heal.
Thank you CK.
I appreciate your response, but my children have now disowned me. They won't even let me bring birthday presents to my grandchildren. I've apologized many times, but my very hard-headed son says forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. He thinks he's forgiven, but he hasn't. He's an over-the-top Christian who thinks he can judge everyone and expects a perfect life. I completely destroyed his perfect world. I am a Christian woman too, but have lived long enough to see the bad side of people who think their shit doesn't stink, and can judge others because of their sins. I'm living with the guilt of what I've done, but the loss of my whole family is still devastating me.
My son says I can't have a relationship with his children without a relationship with him, yet he won't make any moves in this direction. I was a mother of two boys (three, counting their dad), so I had to be the disciplinarian because he seldom was (unless I forced him to). He just wanted to be their buddy, and I was trying to keep them alive through the wild partying years. So my kids thought Dad was great, and now that I couldn't take his drive for money any more and had a long term loving affair, they won't have anything to do with me. Dad goes to church with them, every soccer game, and buys them all expensive vacations together. They have "picked him up off the floor" because he was so devastated by what I did. I'm sure that's true, because he's still in denial about his part in the failure of our marriage. He's a major control freak, and always considered his drive for money as his way of providing for our family. That was his take on it. My whole family sides with him now and can't figure out why I would leave when I "had everything I could have ever wanted." They don't realize that I felt so alone every time he paced outside the restaurants cutting a deal when we were supposed to be on a date. He's a machine, a great businessman, and very charming, charismatic, and a caregiver. But he does it to make himself feel better. Yes, he took great care of me on the surface. Sex was awful - sometimes I counted the thrusts until he got off of me. Once he had his orgasm, that was enough. I tried to make sex more fun and to get him to slow down and enjoy, but he wasn't too receptive. Those are things my children shouldn't know about. Everything is just so painful emotionally. I loved my children so much and spending time with my grandchildren was the highlight of my life. I'm a teacher, so I can relate to children much more than adults. Now I've lost everyone, and I'm devastated. I can't seem to move on to even try to enjoy life anymore. My new guy (not so new - almost 3 years together) and I live together, but I have to be horrible to live with. I cry all the time, every birthday and holiday that I have to miss causes me sorrow. He worships the ground I walk on, takes time to love me in wonderful ways, and I love him so much. How do I move on with life though, when I've lost my whole family? The only one that has stuck with me is my sister, and she lives across the country. I'm wearing her out with my woes, and she has been through the exact same thing, so has troubles of her own. At least her children were younger and still live with her, so they have had to put all this behind them several years ago. I just hurt so much and want the pain to go away. Every day hurts. I sit here and cry as I'm typing, and I'm a 50 year old professional teacher who deals with families all the time. Yet I can't fix my own problems. I won't go back to my ex-husband, no matter what a "great guy" he is. I'm very much in love with someone else, and trying to move on. But saying goodbye to my family in my heart is tearing me up. Do I keep trying or do I let them go? Help me please....... I don't know how I can keep living like this. Sometimes I don't want to. I have so little hope that my life is going to get better, although I love my new guy so much and he loves me and takes such good care of me. I pray and pray and ask God to help me. I even prayed before my marriage ended to ask him to help heal my marriage. I don't know what God wants me to do. Sometimes I think he wants me to just go back home to my husband and live a biblical Christian life, but I have no love for him anymore other than brotherly love, and want no part of their over the top hypocritical religious behavior (yes, they sin too). I hate it so much that I hurt him, but can't be married to him anymore. Ok, I'll sign off. I rambled back and forth so many times, anyone reading this probably thinks I'm off my rocker. I keep reading the plaque on the wall that says, "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." But I don't have the wisdom to know the difference, I guess. I keep trying to be part of my family's life, when they don't want me too. I keep hoping that they'll forgive me someday. But it's wearing me down to keep trying. Thank you to anyone who even took time to read this. It helps me just to write it down. Speedy13
I am a48 year old professional mother mother of 2, I found out Sunday that after 25 years of marriage my husband spent the night with another woman. I am a loving caring Christian. I hear your remorse for hurting your family but!,frankly I am not sure your sorry. It is not for mr to judge I simply here you found this long term love and if you were not Someone's wife when you found it I could be happy for you. I can only ask you what I would ask my husband.......if it was so damn bad why did you not just leave get a divorce and preserve the dignity and frankly the honor God bestowed on you as a wife and mother? I get unhappiness I don't get cheating? XML girls will forgiven him some day but it will never be the same. You made your choice and saddly you must now deal with the blow back and acknowledge what you gave up and make peace with that if you can. God loves you and you can be forgiven maybe start there.