Incestual relationship with my FATHER and I need to heal!
I was in an incestual relationship with my father from the age of 13-18. I'm so confused. I don't know if I am the victim because I do know that at some point I knew what I was doing. I'm fighting compulsive eating also and fortunately I'm progressing. My friend tells me that food can be my outlet to what I have been through. I'm pretty sure it has been.
So now, for me to heal I know I need to tel the people that love me. How do I go about that. My mom would be devastated. I feel ashamed and so embarrased. My dad lives in Utah with his wife and my younger half sister, my friend tells me that I need to tell his wife so that I can prevent something from happening. The thing is my dad and I are still in contact and I know that would ruin his entire life. I just don't know how to approach this.
I like the idea of calling your sister.
Invest a couple of dollars (it was free on kindle a week ago) and buy Marilyn Van Derbur's Miss America By Day. It's worth its weight in gold! She was sexually abused/incested by her father for years and her personal recovery plus her incredible understanding of and support for others has been life-changing for me. I'm just sorry I didn't find that help and encouragement and understanding earlier in my life - I'm staring at 70, having chosen to be essentially alone my entire adult life. It's too late for me, at least in some respects, but if I can offer the one helpful tool it will not be too late for you. Or others - abusers rarely stop with one victim, using that term in a general sense, independent of whether the young person feels victimized or not. I do understand the mixed feelings - at least for once he had time for me, regardless of how that time was spent.
I was abused by my father and he went to a mental institution for 3 years. That is what they did to you in the 60's, not send you to jail.
My father was a pedophile. I understand that now. And he never stopped trying to have sex with me until I married my current husband and moved away and the ripe old age of 15.
Once, when I was 14, he had continually hounded me until I finally said for him to do what he wanted, and he did. That was the only time he had full intercouse with me. The shame I now carry has affected me deeply.
There is no room here to write of all of the consequences that this man's sickness caused. But it was and still is far reaching. I have been seeing a therapist for almost 3 years and still have a long way to go. If you met me, you would never know.
Our extended family does not know of the deep rooted problem that existed. They thought it was due to medication, and that is what my Mom chose to believe, she called me a liar when I told her that he never stopped trying to approach me, that he came into my room at night and exposed himself, that I hated it when she worked the night shift and he was home.
I carry around the truth of his sickness with me and will never discuss it with any member of my extended family. He is dead and buried as well is my Mom and why tarnish the memory they want to believe is true.
Because of his actions, my siblings and I are dysfunctional each to a degree. I am probably better off than they, because I moved out at a young age. He was also a womanizer and had a multitude of affairs, which was common knowledge growing up. My Mom turned into a mean spirited woman who was narcisstic and selfish after he died. She would have benefitted from counseling but her generation did no believe in it as much as mine does.
Until the day my Dad died, I never felt comfortable around him alone never let my daughters go stay at their house when he was home, because I did not trust him, nor did I trust that my Mom would not leave them there with him alone. I do not think on a conscious level she could believe that he was like he was, after all what did that say about her staying married to him.
You must do what you feel is right for you. You have to live with both the knowledge of what took place and also of the aftershock of when you make what happene known to others.
All I can tell you is good luck, God bless and try your best to get into counseling.