Called me a home wrecker, trying to let go of bitterness
I have been married for just over a year. We are currently long distance and have been for our entire three year relationship. Our relationship is strong, but there are issues.
My husband has a 4 and a half year old daughter. His baby mama coins queen title of baby mama drama. When we first dated, she kept emailing me about how they were still together. In the beginning of the relationship, who was I supposed to believe? He reassured me she was crazy and it made perfect sense that she was; he was sharing a house with his good friend so if they were together, he would be living with her.
She continued to harass me and even made three websites about me, telling me, "good luck with him, he's a cheater and I am on your side" one day and "you're a home wrecker" the next. Working in a social work world, I saw her patterns of emotional instability and saw that my hubby was saying and doing everything right for the sake of his daughter. After 2 years of harassment, I never retaliated or pressed charges for anything because I knew we had a serious relationship and for the sake of my husbands daughter, I didn't want to put her mom in jail. I bit the bullet.
We got married and baby mama does not know. I have not mentioned how she uses their daughter as bait. My hubby was in California (where daughter and baby mama live), but just moved back to NY, which is closer to his family and I. Baby mama put child support on him in 2009 only because she thought i moved there! He has his daughter the majority of the time because she refused to watch her. She has a son from another man and treats her son like a prince. She didn't even buy her daughter a birthday present last year! My husband has been struggling with work, being hired and laid off over and over. Any way that I could help with his daughter, I absolutely did, last year he took baby mama to court to have the child support dropped because he had "Jazzy" five days a week or more.
As it stands, they have joint custody but baby mama has primary residence custody. Because my hubby is in NY, he will have her for summers. Now baby mama mentioned, "since it's her first time out there, I want to come out with [her son] and Jazzy and stay for a week." I understand the hard transition but I feel my hubby will never tell her when she's being inappropriate or emotional. She writes "love u" on his Facebook like they are still together! When I confront my hubby he says, "everyone knows you and I are together, she just looks stupid" and won't delete it. He spoke to her about not posting this things or she will be removed.
I know my hubby means well, because in the past, any attempt to talk about me to her resulted in her taking Jazzy away. When I was there over Christmas last year, baby mama knew and refused to let Jazzy come to my hubby's house because I was there. I feel it will never end. I thought with him moving to NY, things would b different but baby mama will always feel entitled to my man. It makes me sick because of all the hurt she has done to me, my hubby, and most of all, their daughter!!! My hubby's employment (the ups and downs) make it hard for him to get full custody. I feel so disrespected sometimes like because my hubby knows his baby mama makes emotional decisions, that he would rather "give in" to her and hurt me in the process because he knows how understanding and patient I am.
I want to do everything right and I keep praying for the day we finally live together and baby mama finally understands it's over. My hubby and I BOTH decided to not tell her we are married because I cannot jeopardize any chances of moving to the US (I am in Canada). I know if she knew, she would do anything she can to make me look like a horrible person.
I have been patient for over three years and it makes me sick knowing this women feels entitlement to MY MAN. He has such a passive aggressive way of dealing with things and I feel that has made things carry on this long; baby mama has NEVER been held accountable for anything!! She has stolen thousands of dollars from her mom, her house went from foreclosure to filing for bankruptcy, yet she has two jobs and makes $3000/mo? She collected disability ILLEGALLY for over a year as well. My hubby and I have done everything right. I struggle to pay my bills an support my hubby where I can. He NEVER asks but I provide support for transportation for interviews and food. I will never let him feel alone and he is an amazing support system, but alas, he is a man and sometimes closes up.
I am deeply hurt and cannot let go of the bitterness that this woman has caused. My friends think am crazy for still dealing with this but what other choice do I have?! Just recently their daughter got accepted into school and received an acceptance letter stating "Congratulations Mr and Mrs _________." I sit there and think BUT I AM MRS ________!!! Again, that's about their daughter and I know that, honest mistake right? But baby mama posted this pic on his page. I know she isn't genuinely trying to share her excitement for her daughters acceptance to school because she has never cared about he daughter then way a mother should. Since my hubby has been in NY, his daughter has missed multiple days of preschool because baby mama is too lazy!
Sorry for the ramblings... I cannot say all these things to my hubby, I have tried. He just tells me he knows she is crazy and can't jeopardize the chance of seeing his daughter in the summer and knows baby mama will never be with him and I am his. It's so hard.... But hopefully time and God will help me heal.
Thanks Lily... I will never defend his behavior I know he can be too nonchalant at times. He has said things to he, I have heard him say things. We plan on doing couples counseling when we are finally together, there is a lot that needs to be heard not just as a "nagging wife."
I truly feel and know he has nothing to hide; although he is a sex addict, I have accepted it and this baby mama stuff is just past of that struggle. I have absolutely NO reason to think he has feelings for her, he despises her to his core. I have seen and heard how he speaks to her. Part of what you said about his daughter seeing how to treat people, I think that is why he "keeps the peace" with his ex because she is a nut, irrational, emotional, and completely unpredictable. His parents fought and divorced and he sees how it affected him. He wants to teach his daughter the RIGHT way of doing things is to unconditionally love his family, not by fighting constantly with each other. I totally see your points though and am not justifying his actions, as obviously, they frustrate me. It's hard when our marriage is abnormal, not living together or having a regular life.
His past was full of rejection, foster care, sexual abuse. I don't know what it's like to feel used or not loved, my childhood was absolutely wonderful. I feel he won't truly understand what our love can be until we sit down and get professional help.
Thank you for your words xo
i have to applaud you for sure, long distance relationships rarely last. You have to take care of you and see where the dice land. If he's serious he should file for custody. Just don't tell the court he's a sex addict. Myself i wouldn't put up with that part.
good luck on your journey
Thanks guys... I have a lot on my plate and he plans on filing once he gets settled in NY! He knows his daughter should be with us, the transition has been hard. I have become so caught up in the drama this woman has thrown at me.... My husband always defends me and tells her to stop, I have honestly never known such a crazy person. She has a chemical imbalance for sure and cannot let go. He has given no reason, other than just being a damn good Dad, for her to still be attached. She may have post partum that she has yet to deal with, I don't know how long it lasts? She has said in an appointment when she was pregnant that there is depression in her family. She has never sought help. My hubby wants to keep things as calm as possible and throw down his ace with all the proof he has that she is an unfit mother. Patience has to be on my side and in that time, I am learning to know and hopefully forgive the weak for their selfish actions. I am slowly finding my ability to continue to love myself no matter what. This site is a great avenue for that. Even if people don't respond, it is therapeutic to write it all out with no judgement so thank you both for responding! xo