i just don't know where to begin everything starts out going great and before the lights turn on i'm left all alone and i just can't help but thinking and feeling he's hiding something from me and and that he is the type that could and would just up and walk from the realationship and if hat ever happened honestly he might as well load his gun and pull the trigger b/c if he didn't then i would b/c my whole world would be gone and i'd have no reason for living anymore and that scares me more then anything.
it's just that i am not so used to someone treating me as nice as he does and that alone is enough to scare me.
a couple of things to say in response to this:
first of all, i'm sorry you are feeling like this, i know you can't just STOP feeling like this, but making a man that important not only isn't good for you, it isn't good for him or for your relationship. I used to feel like that about my husband, but i realize now he was just a person and faulty like everyone else in the world. My happiness has nothing to do with him... my self worth has nothing to do with him... i have to have that on my own before i can really love someone else in a healthy way.
you are going to have to find a way to be okay even if something "horrible" DOES happen and how to let go of the fear that it will unless or until you actually have reason to think it is. Look into co-dependency and see if it sounds familiar to you. a thereapist on here suggested it to me when I was saying things that sounded kind of like what you posted above.
Yes, codependency is a good thing to consider. I believe the SG therapist, Jess is referring to might be Kellie Mongomery, she also advises to read "Women who love too much" to help you acknowledge some of the facts you've described & learn new modification skills to counter act youself.
You've recently gone through alot of hurtles & need to take each, one at a time, while you continue getting as much support as possible here & elsewhere, if affordable.
Your partner isnt capable of supporting you enough through all this & is probably very frustrated, understandably so, as its alot to take in & deal with & that does pull the fun out of life, probably too much reality, yet things will happen & must be addressed calmly, w/solutions/suggestions that will make both parties feel good about where their heading together instead of running in different directions screaming & being upset, which will go nowhere.
Start with ONE.