I am so unhappy
I really want a good husband and a baby badly! I am not 100% sure but I'm really feeling depressed this week because I really am starting to feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to get married and start a family with me.
He was already married and divorced and has kids of his own. He has always told me he wants to marry me and have kids with me but I'm really feeling like actions speak louder than words!
He has a drinking problem and keeps drinking during the week even though he keeps apologizing and promising me he will stop! On t he weekend he never drinks and that's when I play surrogate mother to his kids. I'm not saying I don't have a good time with him and his kids but they aren't my kids! I want my own! And his kids are so spoiled and not empathetic like my kid would be. They are sweet though.
But anyway, I just feel so disrespected because he won't stop drinking and won't get help for his problem. And my job is so stressful and i work long hours and I don't want to come home to him drinking. He gets drunk so fast and he is really annoying when he's buzzed and or drunk! It's very frustrating when you just wanna eat dinner and got to bed and maybe have sober sex.
Which brings me to the most upsetting and frustrating part of all to me: How can I have a baby with a man who drinks 3 times a week. His actions are showing me that he isn't taking me or our future together or my wants and needs seriously at all. And I feel like deep in his warped mind he actually thinks I'll be happy partying with him during the week and playing house on the weekends with his kids! Well he is seriously wrong if that's what he thinks!
Even if he doesn't want to cheat me out of having a baby, he isn't taking it serious and/or helping it to happen. He isn't making goals with me and sticking to them.
Sunday night these doubts and fears and regrets all started in my head. When I said I really wanted to start trying to have a baby. And his reaction to that was fine. He acted like he wanted to. But then as I read more about the fastest ways to get pregnant, I said to him, "it looks like we'll have to have sex everynight" and he seemed upset by that! And that brought up another bad feeling in me. I feel like both of us have lost interest in having sex with eachother. His loss of interest is fairly new and mine has been for a couple years now.
I just can't live his life anymore! My whole life is about him. When is anything going to be about me!
I have no job no friends and my family is screwed up big time so...
Yeah, I have basically had to hit rock bottom, find the Lord and just now at nearly 50 yrs old need to totally rebuild with a new attitude. It really is the biggest blessing because I was never taught how to live this life. I made all the mistakes. I kinda had to cling to the Lord, reject all the worldly messages and reparent myself thru truth. TRUTH. Man the quest for truth has been such a rough and confusing road but sooo worth it.I just want to raise my kids the best I can and I want to go to heaven when I die so that I don't have to come back to this planet.
T.: being a good parent is a great goal, well done. didn't learn that from my family either. :(
I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, breaking the generational cycle of abusive parenting in my family is huge BUT I am going to revolutionize the divorce process in this country. The way divorce is now is akin to a loved one dying in the hospital and the doctor just throwing the body in the garbage. Especially when children are involved, the current system is sooo grossly negligent and cold and it doesn't have to be that way.