Living as a person with BPD does not get easier. It will be a struggle for the rest of my life and a struggle for whomever is in a relationship with me. I find it completely exhausting. I get so tired of battling with it, correcting myself, apologizing, feeling like an asshole, hating myself, going to sleep and then waking up to do it all over again.
New to this online group so I’m just putting myself out there…
I’ve known for about five years that I have it. I just couldn’t understand why I was such a failure in relationships. I pushed every guy who ever cared about me away, I mean running screaming away. I looked around and saw others my age weren’t having issues like this, so why me? This was in the beginning of my current 5-1/2 year relationship. I needed to make sure I didn’t ruin this one.
I self diagnosed prior to starting therapy. I read up on it constantly and after a couple of years in therapy I finally got up the nerve to ask him if I really have it. He had never really told me and I think I was afraid of the answer. To me, diagnosis coming from my therapist was far more real than me just self testing online. It hit me hard too, especially the reality that it is incurable. I became angry and started to blame my parents. I still have some anger today but it’s not as bad as it was. That journey is a whole different story.
I’m here because I can’t relate to anyone I know. Except maybe my mom who I’m pretty sure would be diagnosed with this as well. But because of her own guilt and issues I can’t talk to her about everything.
Nothing is easy.
So… can anyone else relate?? haha
BPD survivor99, you're lucky to have a diagnosis so young. It gets better as you get older, but it still sucks. Good for you to have such a positive attitude. I go back and forth. Sometimes I'm good and other times I feel tired of battling. Everything is harder than for other people and I get annoyed by that. I pull myself back up constantly. It's just a roller coaster. Accepting the disorder is huge, for anyone. I had to get past the anger of having it to a place where I began to do something about it.
I don't take meds, I don't feel I need to depend on them at this point. If I had known I had this when I was younger I definitely would have taken them though. For years now I have been changing my behavior and trying my best to regulate my emotions. It's just constant work. I don't get as depressed and worthless feeling as much as I used to. I just really think it has to do with time and management of the disorder.
neverendingwinter88, I relate to everything you posted. I'm sure we all do. Being aware of yourself is not easy. People have actually said they thought I was stuck up when they first met me because I was quiet. Really? I get anxiety for what I think are ridiculous reasons when it comes to social situations and I too just sort of shut down. When I was younger I thought of myself as an extrovert, but I think that's just because I drank so often that alcohol was my social crutch. Our lack of self identity is a huge problem. I've also pledged to myself that my next relationship will be different. I used to think because I knew where I went wrong in the last one that I could keep it from happening again. That's when I realized something was off with me. So I get it.
I just hope you can get to a place where you see that you don't have to sacrifice the hope for a "normal" life. It's just going to take a shitload of work, frustration, tears, you name it. Pushing through these situations, being aware of every second of yourself and the emotions that are rising inside you is the only way. I have to self talk constantly. Always telling myself to relax, this isn't a big deal, if you just keep calm you'll be so proud of yourself when the moment has passed. And also, learning to apologize for my behavior almost immediately has helped with quite a bit regarding my bf or family or whatever. Maybe sometimes you need to take a moment and walk away to relax. It's really the only way I can see to manage this awful disorder. I have to do the work. You have to do the work. If you don't you're going to let it drag you down to a miserable and dangerous place. We all have pity parties now and then...that's why I came on this web site...but it's making it through those times that helps us become stronger. I really hope you can find that hope and that place.
jess12--I totally understand what you mean. I've been positive since I got out of the psych hospital, but that's been for less than a week. It still is constant work, and it is so exhausting that at night I have these terrible nightmares and I wake up at 5:30 every morning angry because I just don't have the energy when I'm tired to control my thoughts/emotions. It's a battle, but at this point I think it's worth it. I don't want to end up in critical care ICU ever again, and I don't want to go back to that damn mental hospital. Two times there was WAY too much for anyone ever; it's awful there. I just try to take it one day by a time, live in the moment kind of thing. It's hard, so I totally relate to your exhaustion, because I honestly believe I've had this for quite a while. But I know who I want to be, and I don't want to let my disorder get in the way of that anymore. You can do that too, chin up and good luck! <3