WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
i WAS RAPED ON A MILITARY INSTALLATION WHERE I WORK. i HAVE TO G BACK AFTER 2 AND HALF MONTHS OF BEING OFF BECAUSE OF IT. i WET TO THE DOCTOR THE DOCTOR SAID THAT i HAVE TO MOVE ON EVEN THOUGH ALL I HAVE IS MY MEDICATION BUT NO SKILLS. i HAVE BEEN A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND RAPE ALL MY LIFE THIS MAKES THE 5TH TIME. i DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS EMAOTION. i DONT KNOW WHY THIS HAPPENS TO ME. wHAT SIGN AM i WEARING. THIS MORNINGI WOKE UP TO A NIGHMARE ABOUT MY GRANDPARENT MOLESTING ME. I NEVER KNEW WHY I HATED MY GRANDMOTHER. I NEVER LIKE HER BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHY, I KNEW SHE DIDN'T LIKE MY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE WAS MIXED BUT I THINK I MADE THAT UP. I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW. BUT THIS MORNING IT BECAME CLEAR THAT SHE WAS THEIR IN THE BED WHEN MY GRANDFATHER RAPED ME AT 12. SHE WAS ENJOYING THE FEELING HE WAS GIVING TO HER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED. I CANT TELL ANYONE THIS. BECAUSE THEY WOULD NEVER BELIEVE ME. THEY THINK IM JUST A REALLY UNRULY DISRESPECTFUL PERSON. BUT IM SO UPSET NO ONE HELPED ME. THIS TOOK PLACE A YEAR AFTER THEY TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY MOTHER BECAUSE HER BOYFRIEND AND SON HAD BEEN GANG (HIS SON AND HIS SONS FRIENDS)RAPING ME SINCE I WAS EIGHT. before THAT IT WAS MY COUSIN AT AGE 5. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. WHAT ELSE IS MISSING I DON'T REMEMBER BEFORE AGE 12. EVERYTHING IS A BLANK EXCEPT FOR IMAGES OF MY MOTHER.
MY MOTHER COMMITTED SUICIDE. I AM NOT SURE ITS BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED OR WAS IT HER OWN DEMONS. MY FATHER HAS NEVER BEEN THERE TOO BUSY WITH HIS JAIL PROBLEMS AND DRUG ISSUES AS MY MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER DID ALSO. AND MY HALF SISTER DOESN'T GET IT BECAUSE SHE LOVES HER DADDY AND GRANDPARENTS. I WANT TO MOVE ON I JUST DONT KNOW HOW. I THINK I SHOULD JUST COMMIT MYSELF BECAUSE I CANT STOP CRYING AND THE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE TIRED OF ME. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO ERASE MYSELF. BUT THERES NO DO OVERS. HOW DO I GO ON. MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE FELT UNSAFE AND ABUSED WILL IT EVER STOP?
Wow, i am so sorry all if this has happened to you. I dont believe you're doing anything wrong. When you were a child you were vulnerable and the ones that were supposed to protect you didn't. So in essence they failed you it wasn't your fault. What happened at the military installation could have happened to anyone unfortunately. But you're still living and strong enough to open up to complete strangers to talk about everything thats happened to you. Counseling may be very good for you, and maybe also a support group in your area where you can make friends who have been rape victims as well. They can give you the tools and support you need to overcome this. Everything takes time and you may never get over any of this, but dont let that stopping you from being the best you can be. Someday you may be able to help someone else just like you. Praying for you and God bless you!
I know exactly how you feel and I am military as well. Feel free to talk to me if you need too.