Two Seperate Incidences Today
As verbal, emotional torment. Though either, or both, may have not been deliberate. The different personalities but they're So Damned negative and trauma ridden. Good grief.
O.k. A bit of background to clarify. Story 1. Is my sons dad. We live together. Story 2. My mother. She lives an hour away.
*Sigh. On with story 1.
Hurt feelings. Miscommunication. Mistrust. Met in less than ideal circumstances. Like, basically in the last two years, 10 to 15 years of life happened.
So, its been intense. I feel warm and comfortable, happy, everyday. But, he and I do not experience that enough together. Its mostly tension. Sadness. For me anyway. He was born and raised 640 miles away from where we are, where I've lived for 7 years. There is like hardly any support.
Here is the story. This 'type' of thing happens frequently. Out of habit I keep the porch door locked. He had been sitting out there since early, nearly 10 hours. From an incident the night before. So, he has been rude and saying shit All day. So, he is sitting on the porch, I step out for a few after chores and kids I wanted fresh air. He has been lazy and miserable ALL Damned Day. The kids and I have been great. After a few moments if fresh air I step back inside. Shut the door and apparently locked it (its the 4th floor) Out Of Habit because he's been such an *** all day that I have been blocking him out mentally. Now mind you, I haven't been pos or excluded him today. He excludes himself and plays poor me. So, he makes snide and sarcastic remarks accusing me of intentionally locking the door.
I swear, its like Everyday. I Truly want to curse him out. But the add meds keep my temper in check and creates more patience. So I'm watching Netflix and writing this.
I swear I just cannot tolerate being accused. Especially things that are Nothing. That mean nothing. It just really gives me a mind **** because of the sheer stupidity of it all. What a mf Waste of life. I f'ing hate it. He drinks too damned much. Turns into the dumbest motherfucker I've Ever seen. And that's really friggin sad.
Story 2. Aaaaaaalrighty. Mom is Jehovah witness. As us her husband. As you know, Christmas was recent. My job, i love the work but the hours are really pathetic as in not nearly enough to like breathe this air. J.W's do Not celebrate holidays. So oh oh. My sons paternal gmama helped us soo much with Christmas this year. Thanks to her, it was better than it would have been. Ugh. Here I go..
So, posted happy good photos and bids on fb. Today, she calls me. I picked up. She is a total and Complete downer, buzzkill and You name it. OMG. 'Are you late on any bills'. I thought she and her husband were going to offer to help with bills. Obviously, I am here, that isn't what happened. 'Now , toterms, remember at the hall (church) How Many sermons were warning the end of time's'. Me: 'uh huh' I'm busy tidying house. Not really attentive. 'Well, times are just Getting Sooooo Baaad. Remember the talks about the end of times. Its just getting Worse And Worse. I don't know if it will get Any Better. (me: sprinkling in an uh huh here or there). ( she usually stops at this point.)
Carrying on. Her: ' Now i know, i really do, how hard it is. When there isn't a lot of money (basically, she described every sucky thing in my life. Thanks) its just Soooo hard. (her voice is quiet, deliberately spelling it all out and emphasizing. That's just her) she goes on: did you hear a gallon of milk is going up to 8 Dollars. You have the idea. Basically, its the end of the fucking world and I will watch my children Die for lack of food and fluids. Don't get me started on the water concerns, chemicals in food.
I cut her off because wow! Wow! WOW! Can you be anymore negative?
I said that, 1. I already know. 2. I cannot change my life ToDay. So, she enjoys her nice bought new leather seats Bose system next to a nice home. All I'm saying is, she doesn't live in the gutter and has the life that allows more than. K
Dear reader. If she is that concerned why does she not help to give that extra push to move forward, ever?
Answer. I am not a j.w's. That's why.
aye yai yai
Here my baby boys dad is a walking self fulfilling prophecy of trauma, nightmares and calamity.
There is the people who are Supposed to help and create their child to be better than them.
All I know is that I do what I can so my kids will be better than any of us. Us as in my family.
I am mobile and did not edit. So it doesn't read as well as I intended. It doesn't flow. Is there an edit button? If not I will repost.