Well I'm back to feeling like shit and nobody giving a damn. I cut again after my mom and my big blowup. I tried to talk to my best friend about it but something was going on with his fiancee and I don't blame him for not really caring. I have been on skype with him a lot lately and apparently my mom saw that as a personal stab at her. She waited until I got out of the shower pulled my hair and shoved me against the wall she said I was nothing but a whore and should go do some tricks on a corner at least then I'd get paid for getting in desperate men's pants. She's really not helping matters. I just want to disappear but what else is new. I don't think she'd care if I really did. Suicide has never looked sweeter.
I would share, but I'm not even sure I know what's going on anymore. Everyone is scared that I am going to try to kill myself again and I don't blame them-it's not like their reasons are unfounded, right? I mean, I tried it once, why not assume I will again? I am so petrified of myself and what I will do to myself, to the others that love me. I don't want to break anyone else's heart. I didn't want to hurt anyone the first time. I wanted to stop hurting them. They deserve better, and don't say I deserve better, because I don't. I deserve far, far worse. I am just so tired of not being able to do anything and then when I can do something, not being able to do it right. I should be better than this, but I am not. I cannot handle the pressure. Cutting myself relieves it and no one understands that. I am trying to stop. I hope I can, eventually.
i feel the same way sometimes...that I want to relieve them of me..that everyone would be better off If I wasnt around..here, as well as in real life..when one person attacks me, I get the whole world is better off thing going..but then I think of all the damage I would leave here if I did leave, or end it...and I couldnt do that to people who didnt deserve any of the bullshit I bring them or would bring them...the guilt I would cause these people whos only mistake is caring about me..all we can do is try to do best by us...try to find some way to make ourself happy..and if we just cant be happy then not be so damn miserable..try to take pleasure and joy in the little things...at least thats what im doing..
Oh Ladies I feel your pain.. I really do and my heart goes out to you for your healing in your way..There is a way and a timing for all and I pray that yours is soon..Won't quit shared she found her way and I did to as well..I fall from time to time but, to me that is life..Life is not perfect and either am I ...I'm human and I make mistakes and most of all the ones I make are usually the hardest on self..I don't hurt others I usually go after myself and that is something I had to learn how to stop..I felt so bad inside that I was not loved and needed and cared for and that is all I ever wanted..That is all I ever wanted from people that I thought should of gave it to me but, the key here is that did not have it to give me..They were so sick that they only could do what they knew how to do and what they had to give and that was not much..So, that is how the cycle began in my life..That is how the pain and illness began in my life.. I had to figure that out and once I did and had that awareness, change started to take place..You see I'm not here to blame or shame anyone for what they should of or could of down different...We all do our very best in this life with what we are brought in this world with..I know I did and my kids suffer as well..I did not and never wanted them to hurt and they do..You see somewhere somehow the cycle has to stop and someone has to step up and stop it..I did and for that I'm so proud of myself..I pray with all my heart and soul it will continue and from years from now my family jeans with be happier and healthier...