devastated

He was so young! His entire life was ahead of him. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hello Jcain , I am so sorry for your loss . The devastation of this is unmeasurable . It sounds like you're doing everything you can for you family and daughter . I am not yet out of my forties and have lost two brothers and one sister so I feel your pain well ! I hope that time will let you and yours find the peace you deserve and may god bless ! Sincerly Seal

I'm 27, male and I always feel like doing the same thing. I have been to the edge and back a few times. I feel like he did. There is soo much pressure on men today to feel like they have to be superheros otherwise everyone will just leave anyways. I'm not allowed to be in the middle cuz then i'm not trying hard enough. I'm not allowed to be lazy cuz then i'm a failure. I'm not allowed to prosper b/c then i'm being greedy. Wtf ? do people want from me. I have an undetermined role in society and i'm just supposed to be quiet about it and take it like a man.??? I know there are people that have it worse in life but at least they have directive and know what they have to overcome. I'm fighting an invisible enemy. And i'm also my own worst enemy. I believe in god and I put my trust in jesus and I still suffer even though i'm not supposed to. There is a real physical condition that plagues me and it's entirely frowned upon in society and any admission to it only entices people to want to take advantage of my inability to function and profit from it or just run and hide b/c i'm viewed as a monster even though the only person i'm capable of hurting is myself so that the pain will stop. My ex girlfriends brother offed himself last year too. I'm not the first male of my generation to feel this way. There is a real epidemic and nobody wants to confront it b/c they can't seperate the reactions that come with the healing process from the mentality of some criminal minded individuals who have no concern for humanity. I myself have soo much love for humanity and I would do anything for anyone if I had the means. All I want is for the pain and confusion in my head to go away. The way you want to scream is how I suffer in my head everyday.thats what it feels like. Not b/c i'm trying to impress anybody. Yes its a cry..A cry for help. Not to show how much i like suffering. Sorry to those who have lost I would feel the same way. Just wanted to shed some light into the mind of someone who feels similarly.

Thank you for responding to me. I'm sorry for sounding selfish in my last message. Its just something that hits home with so many people and so few people are willing to talk about their true feelings b/c they fear they'll just get locked up or given another medicine to take. I've been on plenty of meds too. I'm just now getting the real help that I need so I am very appreciative for the genuine concern and I can relate to the medication thing too. Its only this past year that i've begun my healing and was also saved by the lord, so I have still been having some emotional outbursts.
I don't know how I made it through for so many years with the attitude and outlook that I had. Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. What you shared gave me some tough insight into what goes on in the mind of someone close. That sort of thing has been the only thing that has kept me here in the past. Just knowing how much I would hurt someone elses feelings kept me from ending things but otherwise I didn't see the value in myself. Obviously I still don't entirely see it or I wouldn't be on this site venting all of my experiences.I would email but I get so paranoid. I like this site and I have made one other friend who is helpful to me. Maybe in time i could email. I still have a pretty bad perspective of myself even though i'm trying so hard to get through school and do the right thing. Just know that it wasn't your fault. It's nobody specifics fault who goes through these things. We all make choices but as you know some of us get chosen to feel more pain than others. I don't have any answers for that one. God loves all of us and were all on borrowed time. For some folks like me and i bet your son was the nicest guy in the world and could forgive anything, but i bet like me SElf-forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world. I don't know why but i've only forgiven myself a couple of times in my life. I think maybe there isn't much teaching of that anymore these days b/c of all the diversity but it seems like a concept that could be universally accepted no matter what somebody believes in. I just didn't realize I could forgive myself along with being forgiven for my mistakes. we are all gods children. Thank you for being so strong.

GOD is in my heart and he is guiding me the rest of the way. Remember that we are spirits first and were only learning how to be human. WE are all here only temporarily. GOD gives us as many tries as we need to make peace with our past lives. Our past lives have a lot to do with what we are doing here now. Sometimes the outcome is not what we as humans expect but GOD is there giving him another chance and you will meet him again. Your heart is shattered indeed but the lord will put it back together when the time is right. Just let it flow through you. Thats the only way that i have overcome numerous episodes of depression and sadness. I just keep giving it back to GOD. Letting him drive when I can't see the way. There is peace in all of us. We just gotta let it out.