Day 1

I am starving that murderous tobacco addiction monster to death and extinction.

Sipping cranberry-raspberry juice from Sunflower Market each minute, chewing Spitz sunflower seeds.

Maybe sleep would be good, at 3:20 in the morning, I don't care, I'm too taken by the fact that if I maintain sitting-up consciousness I can repeat my first thought above repeatedly.

It may not be the clearest, truest metaphor or statement of reality, that I also don't care about because it is the closest I've come to a true thought of this state of affairs of trying to get free from a disease, a deception, something bad for me that disguises itself as desires or hungers for something good for me... my thought could easily unravel into confusions, so I'll keep thinking that there;s an evil plant or monster or parasitic thing that would destroy me, that wants to kill me, that has subtle tricks and ways, but can be easily defeated by starving it to death. It lives off tobacco, so I know exactly how to starve it.

I was reading "The Easy Way To Stop Smoking". I read it as much as I could, as best I could. I accessed other resources, but this book most reminded me of what exactly it took to stop smoking before -- it took ignoring all my previous knowledge and beliefs, and going with the easy way that I suddenly found myself in, which was a group addiction recovery program. And so, now, I was just trying to comprehend this easy way to stop smoking. And it felt right, it has to be easy, it has to not be me making failed destructive willpower-based quit attempts based deeply in whatever false beliefs that were keeping me smoking anyway -- so despite not relating to most of his specifics, I was trying to accept and believe Allen Carr in his book as much as possible, more and more. Hence the "monster" metaphor.

Then I asked myself, "What would be the easiest way for me to stop smoking?" And I was already angry about something else. And I thought angrily, cussily, that it would just be easiest to completely destroy that monster that attempted to kill me while pretending to be innocent little desires and hungers for peace or relation or whatever. bzzt. false. I don't believe it and I'm starving that murderous monster to death. And I'm going to stay awake, because I can.