Will I ever change??

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever change. I have prayed about this for so long ( four years) trying to get rid of this deep lust and hunger I have. I feel like I am two people one who knows the right thing to do, and another who says fuck it all and seeks out porn.

I hate going on my binges. They never make me feel better, yet I still binge. Trying to find the perfect image, the perfect scene, the perfect body, facial expression. But I can never find it. Nor will I ever, because it does not exist. Rationally I know this. But I know that when the craving comes again, I will forget and once again seek the perfect image. Its a search that is becoming riskier, less satisfying, causing emotional damage, and slowly tearing down my self esteem.

I can blame the neighbor kid who molested me when I was five, or the kids in middle school who almost jumped me, or my dad who brought porn into our house and me stumbling upon it at the tender age of 8. But, I cannot live my life constantly blaming others. I have to take personal responsibility, no matter how hard it may be. Blaming others is simply too easy!!!

For now, all I know is that I cannot do this anymore. I have to find help! I have to change for the sake of my sense of inner peace, my future kids, and my husband!