Violence, history repeating itself, bringing up children?? Whats Best

Hiya sanjay,

My thoughts come from a different angle where you could actually help and confirm my thoughts of a mother of 2 boys at the time nearly 5 years I spent with their dad who was a mirror image of how you explain your father. I somewhere somehow found the courage to run and never look back and move miles away from the very person I iniatially loved so much and looked upto and had the same thoughts as your mother that I would make it work and he would change and I wouldnt be beaten and that I didnt want to fail my children by bringing them up ina broken family like I grew up in and suffered with not much input but just let down false promises no love care and attention from my father who still now at 33 years old has not told me he loves me I always presumed and faught all my life to get his attention and approval and love. (now I have a good relationship with him through persistence and hes a good grandfather but froma distance as he lives in germany) but I now understand he just cant show emotions well at all and thats from his bad childhood. My mother loved me to bits but drinks everyday, had a variety of boyfriends that were put first before my brother and I - we spent most of our years being looked after by my lovely nana or actually living with her at one point for several years. My mum also worked hard and long hours to try and bring us up best way she could and yet she too struggled with us as a priority due to her bad childhood of abuse and drunken step father and anorexic sister and beaten mother and her own OCD with cleanliness!

Anyway I have been with my husband now 7 and a half years and we have 2 more children girls and although times are difficult with my mental health issues currently and have been for a while we love each other to bits and are happy.

My question to you is I havent told the boys yet who are now just turned 10yrs & 8Yrs old anything about thier BIOLOGICAL FATHER as that is simply the only title he deserves and that is unfortunate. Im dreading it but have come to terms that I shouldnt hide it till they are much older but about now should approach the situation and tell them as I think they are now old enough to understand - I dont want to tell them bad details or really set there mind I think they have to make their own decisions about that in time, I dont want them to think there life is a lie or that they hate me and turn it all against me - the thing is I met my husband when they were babies still and as much as I told them not to call him daddy in the early days they choose to as he was there for them in everyway and took them on as if they were his own and is a fantastic daddy.

Do you think I made the right decision?
Do you think they will understand later?
Do you think they will blame me?
and will they love me when they are older?

I worry so much about the whole situation you wouldnt believe, I dont really want him to be in their life but its not about me its about them and I just want them to be happy no matter what and do the best by them possible. If they want contact after I tell them I will have to return home and find him and try and make an agreeable arrangement! he wouldnt hurt them he has 6 children spread around the country with different women who have fled away from his violence I was the only one who had 2 children with him.

Be positive and optimistic about your future and happiness. Its only your mum that can make the decision to leave and if she wont then just be there for her if she needs you. University/college is something that will do you the world of good and set you on the right track to living your life for you to achieve goals, ambitions & dreams - it will build your confidence so much and you will meet such an array of different new people you will come out of your shell and make a lovely lady one day a very happy wife.

Always here to lend an ear thoughts are with you
keep writing your thoughts on here I find it very helpful in many ways. I bet for a start you didn't think you would be giving others advice and helping them so soon its extremely rewarding and makes you smile xxx