May 21, 2012 | Subscribe

The URGE

The urge never really leaves. I've been "good"for about a year, the urge is always there and now more then ever. So my husband is bi/gay and he thinks I don't know. The anxiety of this has mad me contemplate cutting more then it has in a long time. I would cut but the last time I did it just wasn't the same. Yes I cut and saw the blood run down the drain with the water but that time it didn't feel the same. I didn't go out of my self or feel better even for a second and that just mad me angry. I hate not feeling my relief I hate doing it for nothing and I can't cut forever. I don't want to die I just want to be able to breath again to take a deep breath after I cut and feel alive if its only for a minute. I'm afraid that if cutting isn't enough now what will happen next?

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By sam59 on Fri, 05-28-10, 12:26

Lala, I am a cutter too. I know what you mean. I was doing really good for a while but now I am so angry with my self I have the urge to cut again. I feel like each time I fail I should cut. There is always the hassel of trying to hide it. I have a tendency to cut deep and so it is really a problem hiding it. But yes the relief you do get when the pain first invades your body can be so great! But there are times when I haven't felt relief at all. So I cut until I do. My upper leg looks like hamburger. All I can do is say try hard to fine a way to relieve your stress in a positive way. Funny I say it but I understand how hard that is. I haven't cut in a while but the urge never never goes away. People don't understand that it isn't that we want to die but trying to find a way to live thru our problems. I do understand hun. Find me on twitter if you ever want to talk. Take care!!!

Some day we will all be free

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By lala on Thu, 06-03-10, 08:43

Thank you for your words. I know it's hard to give advise and not being able to follow it ourselves (been there many times). I also know it's hard to hide especially in California, my thighs also look like hamburger meat.Again thank you and I hope to hear from you again.

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