Does anyone associate themselves to this? Or is it just me???

I struggle most with never knowing how I'm going to be in a minute, hour, day, week or month or sometimes It doesn't even enter my thoughts as I really don't care! I dream to be just okay everyday (not normal as what is normal? and I dont ever think I will be that!) but in the next moment I just want to go to sleep and never wake up! For a few minutes or hours (rarely more than that!) I feel like I could conker the world and invinceable and in control and capable of absolutely anything! And the next I can't even get out of bed or get dressed or open the curtains, or answer the phone, or do the school run! The positiveness and good traits and smiles one minute and the negativity and self put downs and the long sad empty face the next! Sometimes and sometimes is my entire life in everyway! My very addictive nature to smoking, drugs, alcohol, shopping sprees, debts and previously sex! I either don't know when to say no or don't want to as have to do it all to extreme or not at all. There's no in between! A mixture of severe domestic violence, lack of time, love care and attention from a split family, to constantly being let down, turned into craving attention and love from a variety of men with very similar traits (the bad boys)with only one person in my life my beautiful nana who has been there for me from the day I was born and still to the present day - Unconditionally! I just want to be happy and give my children the mummy they deserve (not a poorly sad one) Sadly now more downs than ups and for longer periods and a general daily experience that those close to me watch and see everyday! Stepping on egg shells never quite knowing what I will do next and desperately trying to help along the way in the best way they know - but It never quite works! The continuing self blame for all life experiences and the deep guilt that sinks me down. I feel now worse than ever even though my meds are high and a varied bunch - It feels like they make no difference! But how would I know my perspective of anything usually is different and hightened to any others thoughts or views. My interpretation to analyze and disect everything entirely and my perfect high expectations of myself and others - usually it has to be my way or no way! more often than not always thinking your right! Confusing, indecisive, irrationalness, unsurity, unreasonable, highs & Lows, Unknown, pesimism, anger, self-harm, emotionless, hatred, effects on those around!! Life is so complex and I just want so many answers? Does anyone else associate to this or is it just me????