May 21, 2012 | Subscribe

i don't enjoy making love with my husband

i have been married for 18 years with two teenagers. my husband is a good man. he treats me well but is not affectionate nor intimate. never have been. i have never enjoyed making love with him. even when we were courting, his kiss or touch didnt make me feel anything. i didnt know better what to expect then.after my first child it became more difficult to have him touch me and after my second child i started giving excuses to avoid him. keeping the children in bed too.

i wanted to leave but he is a good man. we are just incompatible and we dont share any interest. i became sick with panic attacks and depression. looking back i think i was terrified at my walking out on him with no good reason. its against my faith and religion. my parents and family would be devastated.

we never communicate in depth and we are not intimate. making love to him is just doing the sex . there is no foreplay nor after intimate hugs and chats. he doesnt know how to touch me and it sometimes makes me feel like scratching and fighting him off. he washes immediately he comes, then have a glass of water and goes to sleep. i always feel so alone and incomplete. my self esteem waned. i believed i was unattractive and unlovable.

but i had many admirers and through the years these people made me realise my sensuality and i am attractive. but they totally respect me and i have not been unfaithful. these people have become good friends.

i tried to condition myself to love my husband as a wife should. it took me a long time, as i slowly gained my self confidence. We dont make love very often, and i was getting suspicious why as a man he has little desire. he calimed he was stressed. even the occassional sex i derive no pleasure from it.

But i am finding it more difficult to fake it, and i feel repulsive with his touch. i tried talking with him. he just look at me and not respond. sometimes he tell me that we can discuss it another time. he either doesnt acknowledge we have a problem, or it is not a problem to him. he is a person who doesnt share his thoughts and i feel detached.

its like we are leading separate lives but sharing the same bed. i feel alone and single. i go to functions alone and people think i am single. he doesnt like to join my friends. i do go out with him with his friends.

i have been having panic attacks again. i do not know how to make excuses as to why i sometimes avoid him, or pull his hand away in reaction. i feel so bad.i aknowledge my sexuality and m sensual with desires but i just cannot share the same bed with my husband. he doesnt match my expectations.

please share with me what options i can consider.

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By reallysearching on Wed, 01-20-10, 12:43

Oh Feroza, you NEED to GET OUT, Honey, you really really do. Just like you, I did not know what the right feelings were when I got involved in a very long-term committed relationship (15 years), with a very wonderful man who is in fact my best friend now, and for me, I thought I could create the right feelings if I just "fixed" the relationship. Still didn't know what they were, just thought if I fixed the relationship, I would find the feelings. When our relationship finally ended -- and it was HARD HARD HARD HARD HARD -- I met the one who I just naturally love with all my heart and soul, and there is nothing more sacred, nothing more beautiful, nothing more wonderful, nothing more peaceful, nothing more any word you can think of than touching the one you love with all your heart and soul. You open, you blossom, you are filled with joy, you INVENT things you are sure aren't even in the NASTIEST of movies and you feel like God is right there reveling with you in this gift He has given you.

Of course, there are potential catches with setting your sights on that goal: I'm not all that sure that everyone gets to run into that feeling, and having run into it, I can tell you that running into it doesn't guarantee it will work out and you'll learn a whole brand new definition of HARD, and I can tell you it's so incredibly not-not-fun to know you will never settle for a smaller feeling and therefore you're probably on your own for the remainder, but . . . for ME, anyway, it's really still the better option, no matter how hard it is. For ME it would be impossible for me to touch another as I touched this man unless I had that feeling, and it's just not worth it without that feeling.

I hope that helps; you can write me if you want.

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By feroza on Fri, 01-22-10, 07:48

thank you so much for responding. your letter is so well written and expressed. there was so much for me to put down i had to make it simple. wasnt sure how to ut my thoughts in writting.
i see you path too and would advise some one else the same. but i have two beautiful boys and i am afraid of breaking their hearts and my little one will trully not understand and hate me. my older one will accept and accomodate but will be sad. so i have been waiting for them to be of age and understand about relationships.
my husband probably not suspect that i am contempleting this. i did tell him once that what if i wanted to be free when the boys are grown. i did tell him that we dont do enough things together as a couple to bond us together.
it is so difficult to describe. i do love him as a good man, a father to my children, a husband whom i serve and seek to comfort, i worry about his health, his work, his lifestyle etc... i have no malice against him...yet i cannot put my finger on what it is that is missing. sometimes i think its probably just Me. maybe i am impossible. I myself is incomplete and is finding an excuse. but yet deep down i know i can feel much more and give much more than words can say. its wanting to be one..which is more than being affectionate. its passion. its not sex. its melting into one and being complete. did i describe it ??
perhaps its a fantasy, perhaps i will never find it. but faking that you feel for someone is also not right. it unfair to both parties.
io dont know what to do. i need to pull myself together and get employed so i can be secure when the time is right. for now i cannot stand on my own.
Leaving hime is not in the hope of finding someone hopefully to meet my expectations or fantasy. its so that i can be true to myself and him. i do hate living a lie.
the question is how do i tell him... please respond. i cannot talk to anyone. community is very small.

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By JG on Sat, 01-23-10, 11:55

Well done for your honest post. Sometimes we want to solve the whole of our future but it's easier (and probably more effective) to love and pray for everything and everyone that comes our way. We often know what to do but need to remind ourselves that we are loved - by God and often by others. Sorry if this seems pious - not intended. Love and hope things improve - JG

JG x

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By April on Sun, 02-07-10, 17:44

WOW good for you, I couldnt have said it better myself, we need to follow our true gut instincts which we seem to always to ignore.... way to go :D

Choose wisely, treat kindly

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By JG on Tue, 02-09-10, 13:08

Dear April,

Thank you for taking the time to write that extremely encouraging comment. Despite being with a lovely log fire, your comment is the best thing today. I've prayed that you will overcome your difficulties - sorry that also seems pious - it's a statement of fact only! You are welcome to my mobile number if you think I could help with anything (no promises, I'm no specialist)
Have a good evening (& rest of life if you prefer not to make contact), Jonathan

JG x

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By carolinb3 on Sun, 05-22-11, 23:46

Your place is valueble for me. Thanks!
Online pharmacy tech training jacuzzi

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By April on Sat, 12-31-11, 13:48

eugeneau9, you've been reported to administration, consider this your warning.

Choose wisely, treat kindly

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By Support Groups on Wed, 01-04-12, 15:04

Eugeneau9 has been blocked and all content deleted.

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