2 weeks after leaving a married man.....03/01/10
A lot has changed in the 2.5 weeks since I posted my story. First, after a few days of standing firm and accepting the fact that he was gone and it was what I wanted....I caved. I called him crying like a fool, begging him back. I told him that I was wrong, I never should have said the things I said. I told him that all the problems in our 3 year relationship were mine.....and I told him that it would all be better if he'd just come back.......Then I found out that he left my bed to hop right back into his wife's. Yep, he packed up his stuff here at my house and went straight back to his wife......and like a fool she took him back. Well, that killed it for me. He said that they were now committed to making their marriage work.
I then began to heal. I knew all along that I was right to end things. I had wanted to do so for over a year. I guess what stopped me is that staying was better than being alone. He did a lot of work around my home in the 3 years and he helped with some of the day to day expenses. We also did enjoy one another's company when we were out or away from home. It was very hard to give this up though.
I made a list of Pros & Cons of staying in a realtionship with J.Z...........The Cons went on for pages! I still read this list when I feel down. I now realize that my love for him started to fade months ago...back when I started building a wall to protect my emotions from his constant attacks. This wall, already built, has helped me get past the hurt and pain of the break-up.
After a few days of calling and leaving messages he finally called back. We talked for hours and he actually listened to what I had to say. I told him about all the pain he caused me, I told him that by him not taking responsibility for his faults and inability to bend or relent he caused our down-fall. And, he finally got it. A little too late though. And of course it was easier for him now that he didn't have to deal with any of this. If he had been sitting in front of me it would have been a whole other story! My MM said that he and his wife are going to start over and make it work this time. My question to him was......did he really think that 40 years of problems on both sides can be fixed, just like that? Did he really expect to have a companion to do things with (she had her own interests and they never did much together) I asked him who was going bike riding in the city with him, who was going to sample every dinner on the chinese menu with him.....who was going fishing with him.....on and on.....card games on our computers, video/web chats, fun at the casinos, the thriftshops.......stuff he said he enjoyed because he finally found someone to do it with when he met me.....It made him cry to hear me say what he was already thinking......And that made me feel better.....I was the one causing some pain. Though I was always picturing or wondering in my head as to what they were doing now......Were they watching TV? Or going out to dinner? I drove myself crazy with images in my head.
We decided to stay in touch by e-mail and phone. For the next week or so he'd call me a couple of times a day and send me e-mail. Of course it meant I had to listen to him tell me about their shopping of a new lawn mower and how they are sleeping together once again.....I became a "pal" a "buddy"....and that was hard. And he'd end every call with "I love you and miss you". But when asked if he was sure he was making the right choice he'd just play the marytr and say......it is what it is.....and "I deserve whatever I get at this point". That rolling over feet in the air attitude just ticked me off.
This past tuesday my MM called in a panic. His wife had demanded all his passwords to his cell and e-mail accounts. Now he was out scrambling to find a computer and internet service so that he could erase anything that had my name on it. He said it was her way of learning to trust him again. And if this is what she wanted then that was what he was going to do....His life would become an open book to her. Yeah, right. Then the next night he called asking how to set up a hiden e-mail account. MORE secrets! He wanted to continue our contact without her knowing. Just what got him into the trouble he had starting 3 years ago! Telling his wife to trust him but sneaking around talking to me. I again asked him if this is how he wanted his life to be........always wanting what was on the otherside of the fence......Again he cried......he knew what he had thrown away but was/is too powerless, lazy, cowardly to change anything. It is what it is..................
So after ending with our usual "love you and miss you" we hung up. And I thought......why am I continuing to allow him to make me feel like crap? Why am I punishing myself by listening about his "new" life? Why Why Why?
I sat a while and then did it. I took the bull by the horns.....I blocked all his e-mail accounts. I deleted him from my address books. I *60'd all his phone numbers.......no longer can he call my house and get through....unless of course he uses a different phone.........and I changed my cell number. He has no idea....well by now he might. But he will be surprised when he finds out that after 3 long years he has LOST control over me!
It hurt like heck but in the long run it is for the best. Now after 4 days of no contact I am feeling better about my choice. My mom worried about him showing up at my door......He won't do that.....it would mean that he was admitting to being wrong.....crawling back to the wife was one thing crawling back to me? No way. Plus, I had told everyone that we were through. To let him back after all of this would make me look like a complete fool in their eyes......They are all my voices of reason.
Did I love him? Yes. But was I IN love with him? I kind of doubt it now......I think that I was in love with the man I wanted him to be rather than the man he REALLY was. When I feel down or good memories pop up to cut me...I read my "Con" side of my list......and it sooths the hurt a bit.
One foot in front of the other. I need to find ME again.....and that inner peace I used to have....................