Untold story

Untold story...
Writing has always been easy for me. I even dreamt of becoming a writer. I guess I still do ...I have always thought I was special, special in a good way like I could do something amazing in this world, like I had a high purpose.I have also believed in normality and I appreciate
that now more than ever. I am 17 years old, I am superficial
and I get bored easily, I am a straight A student, I
daydream about philosophical ideas,I like blueberry ice-cream - pretty normal ...
Oh..yes and I have OCD.
I have never told anyone about this and
writing about it now is strange and scary...But there is
no time left.No time left for fear and doubt. For a long time
I didn't know why I was feeling this lack of confidence in myself
why I felt scared but now I realise that OCD stopped me from
achieving important things. It all began about 6 years ago with
common rituals like doing things three times or touching something or
looking at things more than once because otherwise something bad would
happen to me or to my parents or I wouldn’t be able to achieve a plan. As I go on writing about this I have more doubts whether it is right to share this with some complete strangers but things are getting worse and I need someone to tell me I’m not guilty.
I can hide my disease I have a normal social life, no one suspects anything; it all happens in my thoughts and my battle through this world is every time double. However , things are worse now.
My beliefs are the essence of my life. I am a convinced orthodox Christian and when those intrusive thoughts have reached to interfere with my relationship with God I had to say : Enough! . I cannot say how horrible this religious Ocd can be … those thoughts definitely do not belong to me. I don’t recognize myself and every drop of fear that vibrates in my body …in my soul whenever I think that I might be a sinner makes me want to win this battle. I know that God has a plan for us and that everything happens for a reason. He doesn’t give us something that we cannot handle and that is why I fight as hard as I can. For a while I manage to repress those unbearable thoughts images whatever they are – I cannot express them in words yet ; I have read that a part of recovery means admitting them but I can’t see myself expressing that. I think that if they can make me suffer and destroy my self-confidence why don’t I dissolve them by true, meaningful , beautiful thoughts – my thoughts, a Christian’s thoughts. I am learning to become a fighter , I’ve chosen the Good way , the way of the truth so there should be no doubts that I am not committing a sin but that I am trying to get my life back. It’s just that… I need support . I need someone to tell me that I can. I have a great relationship with my parents but I am not ready to talk to them. Going to a therapist is necessary but I feel like I have to be spiritually prepared first. I use to confess to the priest but I have never talked about this. I was thinking this would be a good option but... I want him to see that a part of my brain is damaged not my belief..I want comfort , support …not the feel of blame. ..because I have blamed myself enough. What shall I do…? Is there at least a stranger that can tell me what shall I do…
I am at a breaking point . I don’t post this because I am courageous I do it because I am too scared… I’ve reached a point where I want to evaporate … I want to stop thinking for a second…