My HOCD Story

I couldn’t stop crying when I found this website for the first time and found that although I have some symptoms of gay people I found more symptoms of HOCD in myself. Furthermore I got happy because I found that I’m not the only person who has such a problem. I’m a 28 single man and want to share with you my life and OCD story. I want to appreciate your time for reading my HOCD story and furthermore thank you in advance for any comments could be helpful to me.
Since my adolescence some nights I had sexual dreams of a fat and Strong man which I was wrestling or I could be lifted by him and stay in his arms or on his shoulders safely without any harm. Afterwords I aroused with watching these kinds of men e.g. Sumo wrestlers on TV or on Internet. I never imagined that I’m a gay as I hated being gay and truly hated any kind of sexual relationships with men or women. Getting married with a gill was on my visions although sometimes I didn’t feel hardly attracted to females.
Maybe it’s necessary to mention that I was suffering of bed wetting till 14th and it was a big relief for me when it was stopped. Adolescence started with very hard acne on whole my face which sometimes I was ashamed of looking at my face in the mirror. Very bad acne pimples made me very disappointed for any date in those times. Also fear of my very religious muslim family and also Iran governmental rules altogether put me away of fell in love with a girl or even going to any date.
I remember how I was attracted to girls and watching them on the street but after some years I found that I gradually have lost my interest to them.
Once I went out of the closet for my friends and my family. They blamed me and ignored my problems. I went to a mental institute revealing my situation for them, they ask for a method that I must talk with a psychologist once per week and after a while I found that the procedure has been stopped from their side. The psychologist hardly ever talked to me and told that I myself should find the treatment. (silent therapy)
Father, Father, Father!!!
It was what I was lacking in my life and I even thought if I had a Father I never suffer of these mental problems. I lost my father when I was seven and I hardly ever could remember anything from him. The most vivid picture of him is a family fight when he was breaking the lunch dishes and threatening my mother to burn the house.
My mother rarely remembers good memories of living with him and describes him as a very mad and serious man who was addicted to opium. She even sometimes tell us that if your father was alive you couldn’t have any progress in your life such as study and professional success as he send out my older brother out of the house because he didn’t like to work in the bakery. (My father was a backer) and …. Any way I respect my real father for giving the birth to me and for the heritage he left for us so that we could use it and not to dependent to others especially when I was a child.
During the elapsed years, I imagined that if I could love a man as if my real father, all these anxiety will be vanished. So I tried to have such a relationships with my ex-boss and it worked somehow. Recently I deeply asked God to help me get rid of this anxiety and via meditation and spirituality experiences I was able to control my feelings in a better way and also understand how and by whom I could experience a deep fatherly love.
Furthermore I’m treating the acne scars on my face by laser treatment so that I could regain my confidence and furthermore have plans to immigrate to another county in order to live in a more free and democratic environment.