Today I Cry - written by T. Jardine 11/6/06

Heart beating so fast. I can hear it deep within my chest. The hope, the dread, the millions of thoughts coursing through my head. Hoping, waiting just watching the stick. Could I be? Can it really happen to me? Is it going to be different this time?

I stop breathing, hoping, waiting. Two lines pregnant one line not…What time is it, how long do I have left to wait? One minute…two minutes…three, four, five…I check the box. Results in three minutes. But, there is only one line…why not me? Why not this time? Tears fill my eyes; I refuse to let them fall.

I try to hold them in; I try to hide the hurt from him. “I love you” he says…and the tears fall from my eyes. No holding back, I can feel them catch in my throat. Welling up inside and now the dam has broken, I can no longer hide. The pain and hurt I feel inside is on my face streaming down in each little tear.

When “You are pregnant” is what I long to hear. I’m hoping and praying for that day…but it is not today. Today I cry. I cry for the child that I don’t have and so desperately want. I cry for the love of a child that I have yet to experience. For the smile, the laughter, the tears, the hugs and the kisses. The sweet smell of a clean baby in my arms. The look on his face as he’s holding his child. The sounds of a sleeping baby…Today I cry.