Incomplete Woman - written by T. Jardine 04/19/09

It has taken me several years to develop an exterior persona that doesn’t show my true feelings to those that are close to me. I have perfected being happy when my soul cries from every fiber of my being. I am 32 years old and have been unsuccessful at becoming pregnant; a right of passage for most women in the world to womanhood. Being a mother is something that my husband and I have dreamed about for a long time. I can not complete that right of passage into womanhood making me feel incomplete. Everything that I want is within my grasp except for being able to have a child. Every time I see a woman carrying a child in her arms, every time a friend tells me that she is going to be a mother, and every time one of my siblings becomes a parent again, my world crashes down around me and I feel like an incomplete woman.

Walking down the street or in a store seeing a woman with a child makes me cringe. Sometimes I smile and think how great it would be to hold a child of my own. To go shopping for small little clothes and dress them up for the umpteenth time to take them to get their milestone pictures taken. That brief glance of a child in a stroller crying because the parent won’t pick them up tugs at my heart strings. All that the child wants is to be held and comforted. After smiling and walking away it only takes a few steps before the jealousy hits me. The pain starts settling in my brain. The questions of why not me, and what is wrong with me take over. The anguish is almost too much to bear. I put on a happy face clear my head and move on.

Having a few friends that are not yet parents has always helped me. I do not feel so alone. But when one or any of them becomes pregnant after all of the trials put before them I am overjoyed and happy for them. Within an instant the tears start pouring down my face. If they can do it, why can’t I? I know why not. My body won’t allow me to become pregnant. The fertility drugs, the surgery, testing my husband, and it is all for nothing. After all of it I am still incomplete. I still can’t have children. I am extremely happy for my friend’s happiness, but I find myself pulling away from them. I start to block them out, so that I do not have to see the happiness that they have in their lives. I feel guilty and shameful for feeling that jealousy and anger towards them. So I put on my happy face and go through the pleasantries of being a good friend. However, I am not there. It is like I am a shadow of myself just floating through the motions. All the time crying inside because I want so desperately what they have. I want to be a parent too.

I would never give up the love that I have for my nieces and nephews. They are my life and joy. When my sister had her baby girl, Nautica, I was overjoyed with love and happiness for her. The first time I held Nautica I cried. I never knew that I could feel so much love for another human being. She was tiny, soft, innocent, and lovely. Every time I looked at her, even with all of the love in the world, my heart would ache. Feelings of loss crept back into me. I felt immense feelings of guilt for being so hurt and jealous of this baby girl. The tears fell silently as I struggled to let the love just take me over. I had to push out all of the feeling of jealousy, confusion, and anguish from my mind and just love this little girl. It was the hardest struggle I have ever had. Now with a total of two nieces and two nephews from my brother and sister, it has become easier. It doesn’t hurt as bad when I see my sister holding her new born baby boy Nolan, or my brother playing with his two children.

It gets easier to pretend that it does not bother me that I can not have children. I hide my emotions from my friends and family even from my husband sometimes. I worry that some day I will break in front of everyone. Then they will know how broken and incomplete I feel. Every time I see a woman carrying a child in her arms, every time a friend tells me that she is going to be a mother, and every time one of my siblings becomes a parent again, my world crashes down around me and I feel like an incomplete woman. Luckily, I have been able to hide that crushing, emotional, rollercoaster on the inside of my being. Only a few people realize the anguish and pain that I suffer. I am sure that my husband knows how torn I am on the inside. He lets me keep up the charade knowing that if he said anything the tears would fall and I would crumble; showing the entire world how incomplete I really feel.