Reflections and Sadness

t is so hard to watch death happen as I was right there when my Dad died on April 3. Luckily, he went very peaceful and there was no struggle like we expected with his lung condition. The whole day we were prepared like hospice told us, through his breathing could haunt the dead. It still haunts me at times.

I realize now though, how very lucky I have been through this. My family had hospice for 4 or 5 months and they prepared us completely for what was to come. I had a mentor who had experienced the loss of a parent at a young age as well. I also was blessed with friends, the family I have built for myself, that were there to just sit with me or to listen with no judgement or pity. However, the most luckiest thing I had was to be able to learn was how to accept death and not fear it any longer. Although, I wish I had not learned it from the death of my father at 18. He taught me many lessons in life, but that is by far the most important and the one I will always remember in life.

Although, I have been lucky I still have faced many losses with the death of my Dad. I lost his side of the family as well as a person I used to think was my best friend in the world and whom I thought I would grow old with. Although, I planned on losing his family and have always hated them it was still hard to face all of what they did. I do not know how someone could push there own brother away like a piece of trash, than cry and act so upset over his loss to others. Yet, turn around and trash his family that was doing what he wanted. His wishes were far more important then theirs. I can only image what he must have felt like, obviously sadness and hatred. That is the only reason i can think for his delusion of her hanging.

My friend, however, is a different story. Although we are different people I never thought she would act the way she did. To not acknowledge me at all when I was not even asking her to talk about the death and then lie to people about sending me letters to explain herself. Plus, talking horribly about her father in front of me when I was grasping for one more day with my own father was cruel. Especially, when asked repeatedly by me and others to stop. I can't imagine forgiving all that has happened, or at least not trusting her ever again. Although, it no longer matters I have found someone who is so much like me and whom is the best friend I have ever had and will have. He cares and completes me like no other. People call him the female version of my self.

However, he is Mormon and leaves on his mission in a few months. I am very saddened by this, but know it is what he needs to do. I can't force him to stay just to protect me from the things that still scare and haunt me. It is selfish, yet I feel like telling him he can't go. It makes my heart feel as it is breaking one more time and I don't know how or if I will be able to repair it. The only comfort I have is that he will have email and that he shall return in 2 years. Still I know august will be the hardest in my life.

With this said and done I feel better, yet I know this will return and haunt my dreams tonight. It always does and probably always will. Maybe someday It will go away, I hope....

Auntiem911
As one journey of life and struggle ends another life and struggle begins