confused

Hello everyone.im here i think to share my experience,and maby get some help from others.
Since i remember i always liked more women than men, but that was embarrassing for my to tell someone, and look for a help, it was the only thing i hated about me all the time. i always wanted to be normal (straight),i never had a serious relationship with a guy, im always scared they gonna hurt me, ask me to do stuff i dont want to do.now when im 28 im trying to get over it and just more often have contact with guys, its seems its not that bad so far.the only thing then bothers me is not to get pregnant, that why i think i cant relax and enjoy sex.
Worse began in my life 5 years ago ,when i met my best friend (female), i fell in love with here,and still love here.we live together in the same apartment with heres child whos 4 years old, and here daddy commit suicide 3 years ago.since the tragedy happened to my friend, i was there for here and little one as much as i could. she wasnt seeing any guys since then, till now. she met this guy in nite club, and theyr together now about a month, since i found out,i was felling horrible, i couldnt sleep, i was angry, i couldnt eat, it felt like i was left alone, i cant even see them together, even when i think they sleep together it kills me. so iv been like this for few weeks, and 10 days ago, i just had enouth, i drank a bottle of whiskey, and got into my car.with the only thought in my head this is it, im gonna do it i had enouth , i cant cope with this anymore. so i crashed the car, i was ok,no major injury's.i couldnt sleep all nite in er, been talking to psychiatrist, and just next morning realized what iv done, but it was to late to change anything. im in trouble now for drunk driving, ill have to pay huge fine, and licence will be taken away, and i really need a car to go to work.
And here i am again, with the same problems i had before suicide attempt and plus licence taken away and financial loss.

At the end its all my fault.its all like a circle, i want to kill my self again.