My Story

I am not at the point of embezzlement but I know that if my husband found out how much money I spent on gambling he would be so mad he would proably leave. But then again he is an alcoholic so he may understand. It is just that we don't have the money to loss either. I don't know if I will ever get better right now but I want to. I would rather take trips to places that I will remember when I am old then to have nothing to show for all the years I worked. I would rather know that the bills are paid then not. But this damn gambling takes control over me. I have won enough to make gambling dangerous for me. It is always just around the corner the big pay out. Just push the buttons once or twice more and you will win, right, wrong.

All I can say hun is don't beat yourself up. Just try to find an answer. I need to start meetings or something so I can find hope. So I can find support when I am about ready to go into a casino. I want more out of life. How this got controll of me I don't know. Right now I am scared to death too. I spent$200.00 just in the last 30 hours. That is a lot to me. Now the holiday weekend is coming and I am afraid I will gamble more. The urge is beyond words. I think I may do what your husband tried. Leaving my ATM card at home and my check book. I need to desperatly try something. Don't give up hun. You will get thru this and someday regain your life back. You have to believe that. We all do. Because if I don't I will just drink my self to death or end up locked up. Neither is a good choice. Just know you are not alone hun.

Whitetiger 95210 and Sam 59:

Can't you both see that there are so many other people locked into the same time machine without any air. We are all being taken straight to hell by casinos everywhere. They are the only ones actually benefiting from us. We continue to be stupid, foaming at the mouth from dreaming about that big win. We all need to take a sharp U turn and make some life changes. We must be stronger than the billboards flashing the winnings of the few idiots who has already lost everything just to pacify them long enough to give it all back to them. This is a never ending circle outlined by the evils of this world. I've cut the circle and escaped from it all but not before my last hurrah the day before my first GA session. I just had to give it one last try before I END it all completely. I'm DONE! I lost $300.00 within 30 minutes. I'm still sweating bullets hoping that my husband doesn't get wind of it. I will have to come clean this week about my last hurrah or should I say my last idiotic caper of winning it back. The machines are programed to tease us with a few spins here and there making us believe that.... oooh, it's ready now, I'm about to win that jackpot. I've put so much into the machine and most of the time, do not get anything back. I just do the walk of shame as I leave the facility kicking myself in the butt, looking obviously defeated and saying STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! all the way home. Sometimes I just scream so loud while driving myself home and accusing God of not loving me as much as he love others. There were times when I actually won my money back on my last dollar plus an additional $1,000, but those wins were almost too late to redeem myself. I know that God loves me and I know that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. We are princesses and princes of the King. We are already rich and we do not go one day without anything that we really need. This does not mean that we must continue to sin knowing in our hearts that it is wrong and that Jesus will forgive us of our sins again and again and again, as many times that we ask for his his forgiveness. We must take control of earthly temptations that lure us go astray (way into left field), doing things that is totally out of character. The devil comes to lie, steal and kill God's children. Let us all join forces and keep satin in the back of us and not in the lead towards self destruction. Jesus deserves more from us all because he suffered more than anyone, yet he continues to bless us when we confess our sins. We must not turn and look back but remain honest and focused on the days that we are blessed to live until his return for us. Just accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and begin a new life with the righteous. I'm sure life will be worth living and sharing. This is all I have to say tonight. Until next time. God Loves You and so do I. This is my Mother's quote on her voicemail. I didn't like it at first but here I am using the same phrase. We must learn the Bible truth before the return of Jesus. He is not coming back until every person living on this planet know him. I am honored to be a witness.
Mary Joe

MJS, Thank You for your words of encouragement. I am a believer that GOD is the redeemer. Im addicted to Gambling. I have been gambling for about 5 years. This last year I have excelerated to a point in which I cant even believe. I work and I am blessed to make good money. I am the head of my househould. I have two great kids.

I have always been proud of the way I managed my household up until now. Even my kids notice that something is wrong. I have been lying making up excuses why we dont have money for this thing or that thing. The econmy etc. The truth is the econmy is bad. However, Im still employed so it isnt really affecting me head on. Whats effecting me head on is my gambling.

I go weeks without gambling. Then when I get paid. I have every intention of paying my bills and getting back on track. yet I guess I have no patienece. I look at my check and I say to myself. If only I had a few more hundred dollars. I would have enough to start fresh the next pay period and I wont be behind. Then I can start saving again. Next thing you know Im off to the local
gambling parlor (computerized betting in my state). I tell myself I will just play $50-$100. This never works. I eventually spend ever dollar in my pocket and my atm cards.

This weekend I spent $1000 plus dollars. It is the week before Christmas. I am sick, sick of myself. I am throughly saddened and depressed behind my actions. I really had good intentions. I was behind in my Rent in October and it took me two months to catch up. I was so happy to have corrected that situation. The only reason I wasnt evicted is because for the most part im a good tenant and pay on time. I stopped gambling and paid two months rent and fees that were incurred. However, this made me fall behind on my utilities and others.

So it was my intentions or hope to win enough to cover that. I even went so far as to go into the bathroom at the gaming parlor and pray for God to give me back the money I was down at the time $700 plus. He answered! As he always does. That wasnt enough. I put that back in the maching plus more.

I was a nervous wreck for any and everyone to see. I felt so desperae and ashame. I called people. Not even real friends. My gaming friends to borrow money. Most couldnt help. Now im in a real pickle I didnt buy groceries anything. I have food at home. Certainly not enough to last until my next paycheck. Light may even be cut off on Monday.

Im home sick cant even eat. Knowing that I created this enviroment. I could probably handle this a lot better if my family didnt have to suffer through this with me. I have to stop and want to stop. I will do everything in my power to stop this crazy addiction. I see clearly where it is heading. I cant talk to my significant other about this. He is too negative. So I keep hiding and keeping thing to myself which is making me even sicker and irrational.

I think my kids have an idea im gambling. They have no idea atleast this is what I believe to the extent of it. I thank God for these kinds of forum. This is the most honest I've been out loud. I do believe Jesus will deliver me from this. Its just the consequences that Im living with today that Im having a hard time dealing with. Please keep me in your prayer.

Thank You,
Shauny1967

Shauny1967:
I am so sorry that you've fallen so deeply into the jaws of the evils of gambling. This is exactly what happens to us all. We must admit to ourselves that we are compulsive gamblers and we MUST stay away from every form of gambling there is (this includes scratch offs, raffle tickets, lottery tickets, football bets on favorite teams and what ever the bet dare is). Being compulsive means that we can never be satisfied even when we win. Yes, we've all prayed to God or our "Higher Power" when we were down to our last dollar and yes, God did answer most of our prayers and allowed us to actually win exactly what we lost, but that wasn't good enough. We didn't want to leave with what we went in with, we just had to have that "JACKPOT". We become even more irrational and livid to the extent of trying to hurry and win because we keep hearing the other machines "bells and whistles" ringing off for others as we struggle to win. We become envious of others having better luck on the machines that they chose to play and we become even more desperate. This is so stupid because with all of the cameras around, management sees the desperation and just decides to take everything back that we put in. Yes, that walk of shame leaving the casinos is so horrible. We even have the nerve to curse God aloud when we get inside of our cars and say, YOU REALLY DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL! Why didn't you help me! My life is over!!!!! I can't go home with no money!!!!!! We scream and beat ourselves up call ourselves STUPID!!! STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!!!! over and over as we drive straight home because we can't detour due to the fact that we barely have enough gas to make it back home. This is an endless battle and journey into HELL! Please regroup and find the nearest support group to your home and go there running as fast as you can. I assure you, you will find a new set of friends who will be waiting to welcome you in. You will gain strength from God and your new gambler anonymous friends and you will make your final promise to God that you will never gamble again. Your health and your family is far more important than giving your hard earned money away to machines owned by "guess who"? The devil who comes to rob, steal and destroy (kill) us. I'm here for you and I will be back in touch when I return from doing laundry. Keep the faith and trust in God because he has already delivered you, you just don't know it yet. Stand still and wait on the Lord. He will never leave you.

Thanks MJS,

Its just feel good that I dont have to keep my little secret to myself anymore. Today, I feel a little bit stronger. I have even gone out and secured a second job in the evening to help me get my finances back on track. It will also occupy my free time. I sincerely, want my life back. The guilty feeling out weights the high you get from a temporary win.

I truly believe God is on my side. He knows my heart and my character despite my short comings. Through out all of this I still felt his prescence in my life. I had many many warning signs that I was going down the wrong path. Yet I shrugged off all the warning signs of disater.

Its like a bad nightmare. I still cant believe I got caught up in this thing the way I did. Forgiving myself has been one of the hardest things I ever had to do. yet I know I must forgive myself, let go and move on.

This has truly been the worst year of my life. When I look back at this entire year. Everything bad that has happened to me was a direct result of my gambling.

I know I am taking the right steps to recovery. Im working on the patience part. Its like I want everything back to normal like yesterday. yet it is going to take some time to get the creditors off my back, to get my family to trust me again etc. I will not loose this war. With God by my side there is no way. Im not going to win.

Have a Merry Xmas and a Healthy, Happy Prosperous New Year!

Shauny1967:
I am so happy to hear from you in such a positive way! You are obviously a very intelligent person. Just look in the mirror and actually love the person that you see looking back. You are a child of the King and he wants us to have EVERYTHING that we need. Our Father is rich and we are his heirs. There is so much JOY in knowing the Bible truth. Just keep the faith and keep God as the head of your household. Happy Holidays!

I have sat here reading everyones story and feeling horrible. i have never been able to admit that I have a problem. I (honestly) win most of the time, but it is never enough. I keep telling myself what if I just go once every two months, I never make it..At times I last a month because I have gambled it all. then I get paid and the cycle starts all over again...Could I really cure this urge, Do I really have to never ever enter a casino again??? I guess I know the answer to that question.

Hi Monty,

Welcome to the forum. I can definitely relate to what you are saying. If you ask the group of friends that I meet in the gambling rooms. They will say.. Shauny is the luckiest person, they will say things like " Your the only one that can gabmle there money and get it back the same night. Yes, they focus on my wins.

But, I know firsthand what It feels like to loose. I have won big many times.. But when I loose I loose hard. Im an all or nothing kind of gambler. Probably the worst kind there is.

At first, I shrugged it off. I dont have a problem. However, if you continue at it. You will be forced to look at what your doing. Once your compulsive your compulsive. you said it yourself, you already feeling like whatever you win is never enough.

Gambling will effect you negatively, over the longhaul. There is no question about it. Can we be cured. Absolutely, we have to seriously want to. We have to learn to determine a lie from the truth. (im talking about the kind of lies we tell ourselves).

I dont know if you will ever be able to frequent a casino occasionaly. For me personally, atleast not why I am in the turn it around process. I cant do it. Going it to the casino, gambling room etc. Will suck me back in. Every loss hurts.. Especially a big one. I cant take the going home sick feeling for something that I had full control over.

Monty, good luck, check the forum every now and then. If your serious? Maybe just check out a few GA meetings in your area. The stories are amazing. It also give you a reality check about where we could end up. Im certainly a work in progress. But, Im going to win and you can tooo,

Hello Whitefinger,Sam,Monty,MJS, and Shauny,

I've read your stories...geez..We have so much in common with our shame, finances, lies, desperation,etc.!!..It blows my mind to think that 2 months and 1 week ago, I thought I was an isolated freak with this crazy-ass addiction!..Oh---did I mention that I'm an alcoholic TOO!!

I've had both addictions for the past 23 years. I went to about 20 AA meetiings the first month, but my reading has helped me more than I can say. I have literally read for hundreds of hours online and 2 POWERFUL slot-machine gambling books titled...Gripped by Gambling by Marilyn Lancelot..and..She Bets Her Life by Mary Sojourner. These two books have given me the hope, spiritual awareness, and courage that I need to fight my gambling addiction!!

It helps me to know that you guys are out there!! Sadly, there are, no doubt, thousands of others who don't know that sites like this are here to help. Ya'll have to go to....www.femalegamblers.info
You'll see...."Women Helping Women" at the top.
Click on to "Home" page for latest articles for Jan. 2011.
Then, pull up a chair and read "Past Issues" as far back as you want to go..like 10 years..Marilyn Lancelot started the first female gambling groups in America. Her graphic, true story of gambling, embezzlement, prison, and her life afterwards will inspire you.

It's true what they say, we have to find OUR OWN way back to a normal life again...and Monty, I DO go back to the casino..yep....BUT....ONLY with my boyfriend,to cash in the $50.00 coupons they send me three times a month. I WILL NEVER GO ALONE!! We greet the security man and go up the escalator while I stare at the steps...I walk straight to the cashier, put my cash in my purse, and stare at the floor as I walk past the same security man and head to my car. My boyfriend walks on the side of me blocking the view of the machines and patrons..Once we're outside, I exhale, and we high-five each other!! It gives me a sense of enpowerment over the casino for a change! I don't have any desire to go back to that life of HELL!!

Good luck to all and feel proud of yourselves for each non-gambling minute, hour,or day. Feel God's warm, comforting hands as he holds, comforts, and heals you.

Octeach