The Ugly Truth

I cant remember ever not being in some sort of pain or another. Thats whatever, i can deal with that, its the gd memory and function loss thats killing me. Its the "Grounhog Day" effect and living the naked nightmare (you know the one, where you are naked in public and you dont know if everyone can see you)Because maybe you forgot your pants that day. Dont laugh, its happened. or , yelling because you cant find something thats right in front of your face or better yet, in your hand. Or how about trying to phone someone(like thats not hard enough)only to realize 19 min later that it was their number from 1983. Or being called a liar or lazy or an idiot because you dont remember doing it, not doing it, or slurrrrrring it. Mybe its the realization that life as you know it is over. Fighting it is futile. Cant hang out with friends because you cant keep up, family cant stand to see you so feable so they wont come around, lose everything youve worked so hard for because you cant even muster the words to save yourself. Angry because i have nothing left to give and those i gave so much to are embarrassed to be associated with me. I couldnt wait to be 40. Successfull, confident, attratactive, happy! this wasnt in the plan!!!! for gods sake my daughter had cancer and they had a solution. wtf is going on with this crap. oh thats right!! there is realllly knothing wrong with me. Get lots of rest, drink water,stay positive and see a shrink. thats my doctors solution. If i could at least get a disclaimer card that tells people im not "slow" or hopped up on tranquilizers and booze, that might help people to understand. deaf people have cards, blind people have canes & cute dogs, what do i get? glairing eyes, mumbled cuss words at the check out counter,pointed fingers with smirks and chuckles, blasting horns at red lights. I was a respected proffessional! i WAS A PUBLIC motivational speaker! i was a great friend! Now i am alone. stuck inside my head and trapped in abody that doesnt function. Fogging my way through life.the only thing i have to look forward to is finally remembering the last two years. Whenever that happens. Good Times! When i was young, i had this phylosophy..."Live for today cause tomarrow may not come", i didnt know i would really want to remember yesterday, so i could handle the repercussions of today. I know stay positive! Well , iguess one positive is they caught my 17 year olds cancer earlier this time, and i guess its a good thing i wont remember the agonizing feelings of helplessness and frustration, devistation and dread watching her go through chemo and radiation. Or my 14 year olds physiccal manifestation of anxiety as she watches her big sister be so sick and scared to death she could die, or even better yet, the dissapointent and fear in my sons face cause he realizes i am incapable of taking control, or taking care of them. Awesome. Broken. utterly broken. and i dont have the strength to put me back together, physical,mental, or emotional. the fight has left the building. and i dont have the energy for flight. Fibromyalgia-the killer of dreams and the perptual state of pause. This is my Ugly Truth.