dealing with the pain and misery

From what you say here, I would guess your unhappiness is not just about your painful condition. Your medical condition is terrible, it truly is, and living in pain is no way to live, but I think there's more going on here than just that. People who self-injure are usually trying to numb a deeper pain or distract themselves from deeper issues that need attention. Life gets too crazy, feelings get too crazy, and cutting or punishing your body can be temporarily soothing or calming. Something inside of you is telling you that you didn't deserve that breakfast and that if you lost 30 pounds you would be happy.

I would encourage you to seek counseling to see if you find out where that guilt and the tension and the craziness stems from.

And in the meantime, I wish you the best. I know what it's like to be physically in pain all the time (not for the same reason though) and I know how exhausting it truly is.

Oh my, it sounds like you are at your wit's end. I don't think that a bowl of Special K, is the end of the world. I also don't think it will reduce pain. I know how bad you feel about being over weight. My doctor told me I need to lose close to 200 lbs. Amazingly enough he said it as if he thought it would come as a shock to me that I'm overweight. Well duh, I have a scale AND a mirror. My best friend is usually 5 to 10 pounds overweight and she works as hard to lose her weight as I work to lose mine. She also feels as bad about it as I. It is a process that doesn't stop.

Does your doctor know that your pain meds aren't working. I know often when I'm complaining about something medical, one of my friends will ask me, "What does your doctor say?" My response is usually something like, "He doesn't say anything. Maybe I should tell him." Well shucks, that sounds like a good start. My first thought is tell your doctor about the pain. Get a good shrink and tell him about the cutting. Find a quiet spot within yourself and try to take yourself there at least once a day. You mention kids, but not their ages. If they are old enough to be left unsupervised for 1/2 an hour or so. Try relaxing in the tub, or bed for a few minutes. Try deep breathing exercises or other relaxation techniques. Ask your doc and shrink for helpful suggestions here.

Don't expect help from your husband. He presumably is a man and men just don't get it. You can bash your head into a wall trying to get his attention, but it won't help. So, if you can just go on without expecting anything from him, and then realizing how lucky you are if/when he does express a desire to help you, you will be better off. No offence to any man reading this, but you must admit that you are not as tuned into people as women are. Many men take pride in the fact that they are "real men" and don't get pulled into that whiney stuff.

Darn, I promised myself I would only write a short piece. I hope that you get a break from the pain. Let us know how you are doing. I'll keep you in my prayers. Kathryn