Test- Successful

Hey cat!.. just lettin you know Im reding along!
Im tania, Im new to this site, and I feel conected to ur story.. Ive been thru that same sneaky feeling when the fear of food wont let me eat during hte day.. and the feeling of failure or guilt when i binge at night.. just wanted to let u know i listen, if u wanna talk about anything contact me ..

hugs.
tania

Hey Tania! It's nice to know that someone out there feels the same way I do. It's the most miserable feeling....especially if something is in the way of eating what you want when you want (especially at night for me). Like tonight, I have an open house to go to for one of my best friends....and I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to make it the whole time. I know all I'll be able to think about is what I'm missing at home.

Also, do you find yourself unable to eat infront of people at night? If my family or friends are present....it's like I have to pause my dinner because I feel like they're judging and thinking I'm fat or stupid or something. It's so irritating! I just want to be able to eat dinner and....that's it! Just eat one dinner, infront of people. And to not have to feel like I need more and more and more until I'm about to explode.

Also, at the beginning of this week, I finished off a jar of peanut butter, probably a fifth or so of a regular sized jar (at night of course, the only time when I eat really). I felt....so conflicted. I mean, it's just peanut butter, right? That's what a normal person would probably think. But me....it's carbs! It's fat! It's CALORIES. That's the big scary word, right there. I know exactly how many calories are in peanut butter and I ate it anyways.

The lack of controlling what I shovel into my mouth at night is just frightening. During the day I'm all sorts of strict. I have the exact same breakfast every morning. I have (usually) the exact same lunch, with some variation because I have a job where I eat at another person's house. Dinner is practically the exact same every night too....carb load. I eat carbs I make myself, waffles with no fat (basically just fluffed up flour) and with no syrup. I eat flour and water paste (my all time favorite, especially dipped in 0 calorie mustard) and cheerios (those things are downright dangerous, I can burn through half a box in no time).

But peanut butter.....definitely not on the ok dinner list. And yet I ate it anyway. Does this mean I may be breaking my habit? Or only making it worse with an extremely high fat, high calorie food.....

this is so hard