May 17, 2012 | Subscribe

journaling my story

Im tania, im 21.. and my last 5 years have been a surreal blur to me, I dont even know how I got here, why am I typing this?... Is like.. its all a dream, a strange dream I cant wake up from.

- Snap out of it tania, stop it!!

Is not. Is not a dream, cause it hurts, I can feel it, you can't feel anything in a dream, can you?. Is it just me trying to kill the pain? yes... I figured that if the pain is inside me, by maybe hurting the outside I might be able to kick in. But I dont. I dont ever, Now I cant stop it, is relieving, why? why am i letting this question hanging?

I dont feel cured, but I certainly dont feel as much pain as I was feeling. I just dont want to feel anything, and this, this gets me closer to it.

Im sick, Is not cancer, not VIH, Im not missing a member of my body, Im compleate, in one piece. Is my brain the one who decides to turn down on me, Im not able to distinguish and deal with emotions the right way, if there's any. I've built an autodestructive coping mechanisim that harms me and people around me to protect myself from feelings. Feelings that arent necessarly harmful, then again how would i know.

Im been treated by psycatrist, therapist and nutitionist, due my Eating Disorder, which is right now my biggest issue, grr.. hate to say that. Im also dealing with my body image distortion, Trich OCB and Borderline Personlity Disorder.

Hurts to smile and look normal when you are screwed up inside. I want me back. Cause I know I had me, before.

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By ForeverMia88 on Tue, 07-13-10, 07:16

Hi Tannia,
Thanks for supporting me. I just wanted to let you know that I relate to EVERYTHING you wrote. I am also Borderline and have been in treatment, if you can get treatment for it (borderline treatment is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT) you will better understand your emotions, it gives you the skills to control your emotions. ED is my big problem right now too as having an ED is a symptom of BPD and I've stopped using pills, cutting and everything else but the ED is killing me, I just can't control it. I know you want the old you back, the one who can go outside and not worry about all the things we worry about. It's possible to get that. Be strong, you are not alone. Have you tried journaling? I kept a journal for 4 years leading up to my treatment for BPD and I can't even believe some of the things I thought and wrote, it's very revealing.
Best of luck to you and keep us posted. If you need anything I'll be here, unless I get to go to residential ed counseling, but I'll be back from that.
Mia

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