Oblivion

I dont know how to put my thoughts into coherent words or phrases..but i feel i'm at me lowest. i am 24 now, since i was 16 i've always had an addiction to pills. I was 16 when I first discovered Xanex, but i wasn't addicted. Weed was my drug of choice. When I was 20 I moved to Louisiana and had a 4 month binge of crack use. My 21st birthday my mom brought me back home and I got clean. Shortly after i wrecked my car and got arrested for a DUI. I didn't think i had a problem so i didn't go to my court ordered walden programs. I smoked weed, popped pills and drank. At 23 i was pregnant and got engaged. I'm not married but I now have a beautiful 1 year old baby boy. My fiance is a wonderful strong man, but im weak to addictions. I get prescribed celexa and colonopins for my depression, anxiety, and sleep disorder. Recently, I went on a 3 day xanex binge and got arrested yet again for a DUI, i was stealing pills from my fiance. I feel dead now. I have tried to commit suicide several times, but my fiance has always been there to save me. he's my knight in shining armor and i feel lucky, he's flushed all my medications and is helping me stay clean. but my luck is running out. I've been clean of everything for 2 days now and I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't sleep and when I do finally sleep my dreams are filled with endless realistic nightmares. I eat, but I can't keep anything down..I find myself smoking more and more cigerettes then usual. My head is filled with thoughts of just slipping into oblivion. I don't want to be like this anymore, I want to be the strong person my son and fiance deserve. I've always had self-esteem issues, my mother was always fixated on beauty and i just am not her definition of beautiful. my father has always been hard on me, because i'm the black sheep of the family. im in debt, i can't keep a job, and i just keep getting into trouble.

right now i feel stupid for even looking up support groups, posting this journal..but i need to keep my mind busy. i don't know how i got to this low point in my life and i want out. its like there is nothing i can do to make anything better. my fiance says i have post partum i may or i may not, but i know i need help soon or i'll lose everything to drugs..if any of this makes sense, i'll feel less stupid.