I'm paralyzed with fear and sadness

I know exactly what you are feeling. As I read what you wrote I felt I was reading my life story. We too have had our ups and downs and after 20 years of marriage my husband asked for a divorce. We did seek help and tried to work it out. We have been together for 27 years now and I was looking forward to the stress free life of our elder years. More money, empty nest someday soon and the freedom to really connect and have fun. Instead my husband is having an affair got a DWI and put us in debt. It has been less than a week since he moved in with his girlfriend and my mind is a mess.
I fear everything. Being alone, losing the house, not having the money for basics and getting sick. I try to take things one day at a time but that can be overwhelming sometimes.

I'm sure this hasn't made you feel any better but I feel that you have helped me by showing me I am not alone. Please keep the faith that things will work out for the best even if it is not what we had planned.

Mary

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If you give him space and ignore him, he may come around. However, be aware that since he has left the building, you should not, I repeat, should not, wait for him to tell you what to do with your life. I get the paralyzed part. My husband sounds a lot like yours, especially when you said he doesn't even seem to be sad. Believe me, he is sad, and the wall around him is a coping mechanism, that works for him, but is undoubtedly torture for you. I begged my husband to come back when he left me nine years ago. I literally put my life on hold while I waited for him to play out his depression and confusion. We reconciled after two years and one girlfriend. But now, in the last months, he began the cycle again. This time, after seven good years of reconciliation, I took control of things and I filed for divorce. I can't possibly be torn up for another two years of my life while he goes out and numbs himself with reckless decisions and another woman. When he found out I filed for divorce, essentially calling his bluff, he spiraled further and faster and is hell-bent on total destruction of his life. I am sad beyond words, but grateful that I have the strength to realize that I can't control his choices. In a perfect world, he'd go see a counselor to talk about his overwhelming feelings, maybe see an MD to see if he needs an antidepressant, and turn TO me, instead of away from me when the going gets tough. If only I had the ability to control him. Hee hee. I don't, though. My number one concern right now is to keep him in touch with our young daughter, and to take care of myself and my kids. Watching him self-destruct is painful. He is a runaway train and he won't stop until he crashes into something really hard. That makes me very sad. As for the parallel to your situation, I get that you are paralyzed. That is normal and it will go away, not that the sad feelings will go away with it. You will be far more desireable if you are fun and happy and not sitting around waiting for him to tell you what to do with your life. And that is not easy. I am on this forum because I do not want to repeat what I did years ago which was to wait it out and pray that he'd see how much he wants me, his wife. I am so sorry for your sadness. Keep reaching out to people, and if you find friends who are bashing your husband who you love, tell them that it is only hurting you, not him, and they need to stop it immediately. I found that to be very effective words for my friends who felt compelled to tell me that my husband was a piece of sh**. Not helpful, and they needed to know that. I have said it over and over. The low road only hurts me and my kids, because my husband is numb right now and can't feel anything at all. Compassion for your husband and his messed up feelings will bring you peace in the long run.

It sounds like he might be entering the mid life crisis. Most men go through it near 40 or 50. He may come out of it and realize what he is loosing, don't sit around waiting on him. Take care of your self and safe guard your money. I would file for a legal separation which will keep monies safe so he can't move it to some undetermined location. The worst can come out in people when they enter this phase. You need to also ask for support dollars so you can start training for a job. Your attorney should be able to get you child support, alimony and do your separation. It may cost more up front but it will be worth it in the long run. Your husband will be angry etc. but remember he started this. If your marriage is meant to be he will agree to go back to counseling and try to work through your issues, if it isn't then you are taking care of you and your children. I too was with my husband since 17. We went through a phases like you did around forty and at 49 he started an affair with a 29 year old coworker. Now we are divorcing after he went back to her a second time. Learn from my mistakes and - Be smart and don't let your desire to stay together let him manipulate you into giving him everything he wants. You have to take care of you and your children. I would suggest you read my first blog as it could be you in 10 years. I'm here if you need to talk. Hang in there.

I am reading these posts and as others have written feel like I am going through something very similiar. My husband approached me in June and said he does not think he loves me the way a husband should and that he thinks he wants to divorce me. A long story short, he was having an affair but still insists that has nothing to do with the fact that he wants a divorce. I agree that our marriage was not perfect but like others I truly thought it was the circumstances of our lives and not "us." I thought we could work through anything. Well, he finally fessed up a couple of days ago and said he wants a divorce for sure. He said he thought our marriage was empty and that someday I will find true love and know what he is talking about...
Anyway, I am just wondering if there is anyone out there that can help support me to get through this. My STBX (soon to be x) wants 50 50 custody. That in inself is killing me. I cannot imagine my life missing half of my children's lives and not have my husband living with me as a family.
I am falling a part, extremely depressed, blindsided, and wonder how people get through this. I feel like my life is never going to be happy again.
Thanks for any support...

Years ago my ex tried this and it didn't work, The 3 kids we had were in school and active in school activities and his house wasn't zoned for the schools they attended which meant no school bus and he had to drive them across town to school He also never wanted the kids when they were sick or having trouble in school.

In the end he got the kids every other weekend and every Wednesday after school and he was satisfied with that. And I go thru those times when the kids were with him by making plans to work on projects around my apt or to go hang out w/my friends. And I joined a local singles group at a local church so there was almost always something to do whether I had the kids or not.

I divorced when my child was two. The first time she spent a night at her dad's was about 9 months later when she turned 3. I had been alone for many months, and I got up the courage to go to a singles event that was advertised in a paper. Terrifying, to do something like that by myself. It was a huge boost to my self-esteem to realize that other men still found me attractive and was the beginning of healing. I began to look forward to my child's every other Saturday night at her dads. It was like a mini-vacation for me each time. You have to find the good in things.

Soft, that is so true. And it does get easier over time.