May 17, 2012 | Subscribe

Hard time moving on

My wife came to me in November and told me she wanted to separate after 27 years of marriage, three weeks later she signed a six month lease & I helped her move out. I felt she needed my support because she was going through a difficult time, I told myself to be patient. She said she needed some time to think and that she was going to a therapist. She said at the time she wanted to go on dates with me and that we could work on the marriage. After just three weeks into the separation she told me that her therapist said she should quit seeing me and she told me she did not love me anymore. January 25 she met with me to inform me that she had contacted an attorney and that she wanted a divorce and showing a lot of anger. That's when my life started the tail spin, up until January 25th I felt there was hope. She has not filed for divorce yet and I have not retained an attorney yet. I am having a very difficult time letting go and moving on, despite her telling me numerous times to do so because she has. I know I am some what to blame for us growing apart because I became self absorbed in some of my own interests. I have done a lot of soul searching and know that I need to change and still have strong feelings for her, it's been the most difficult 5 month's of my life. We have three children the youngest being 22. All of our kids are out of the home.Has anyone out there been through this before?

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By April on Fri, 05-14-10, 11:13

I'm kinda going thru the same thing w/one exception we havent filed any paper work but we do live on opposite sides of the house, have been married for 19yrs., 2 kids 25 & 18 & yes I feel VERY alone most days & yes have heard the same awful things said to me although I wasnt sure if it was his bipolar/schizoid/BPD crap or what (dealt w/that for 6yrs. therapists, his meds, being supportive to no avail) am emotionally exhusted most of the time, spent the past 2yrs. looking up information on line (legal terminology, facts etc...)am well aware that we're not alone but here we are huh, I have not been in love w/him for many years tho so it does make things a lil easier, my thoughts are w/you, I'd prefer a face to face support group but as yet havent found one in my area, that way I would meet new people etc... Take care of you, April

Choose wisely, treat kindly

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By Mtmike79 on Fri, 05-14-10, 19:57

April, thank you for the reply. This is my first time talking to someone on the Internet about my problems. I to would love to have a local support group to set down with but there are non in my area. My wife is 46, I wish I new what was going on with her? I have done a lot of soul searching since she left and have come to realize my faults, I just can't understand why she does not want to work on our marriage? She is not exempt of having faults! We started out with a in house separation until she suggested an out of house separation. When I hear about husbands that mental/verbally or physically abuse there wives it makes me sick to my stomach, especially when I have never done those things to my wife and yet she leaves me, I have always had the utmost respect for her. But I am guilty of neglecting her and failing to nurture her in a spiritual way!Take care of you to,Mike

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By Belana on Sun, 05-16-10, 13:11

Hi Mike,
It’s interesting; my kids are around the same age as yours and April’s. I’m also your wife’s age and I’ve been married for 23 years. I too am not divorced. I really don’t care whether or not I’m divorced. I just know that I can no longer live with my husband.

The only reason we’ve stayed married is because we have two great kids and we share the philosophy that kids need both parents. My son is graduating from high school in June. I’ve been waiting for him to be done with high school so that I can get on with my life. I didn’t want to be one of those parents who left in the middle of their childhood. Frankly, that’s absolutely not something I could have lived with. That’s pretty much the only reason I stayed, in a nutshell.

I will always love my husband. He’s family. That’s how it will forever be for me. However, I don’t believe in marriage. The only thing I think it’s useful for is rearing children. I feel very strongly that kids need both a mother and a father, but that’s another topic.

I’ll be moving out sometime in June and it’ll be for good. I haven’t lived alone in 25 years. Although I feel some trepidation and anxiety about an uncertain future, I have a big goal that will take me around 3 years to accomplish. That in and of itself will keep me focused and help me not to dwell on what I feel are personal failures which I am completely responsible for.

What I believe that happens in marriages is this…

We get married, have kids and due to the overwhelming responsibility and sometimes grueling nature of childrearing; in the end, we’re just too tired to keep making compromises and concessions especially to our spouse. I know that’s a brutal thing to say but in all honesty, it’s my humble opinion that marriage and having kids is way too overly romanticized in society. It doesn’t seem to me that anyone wants to fess-up to how incredibly hard staying married and raising kids truly is.

For me, I’m just incredibly tired. I’m not an emotionally strong individual which has made it doubly difficult for me personally. Nevertheless, staying married and raising kids is exhausting. For me, I’m looking forward to not having to be responsible for anyone other than myself.

Right now I’m feeling extremely wounded and very depressed. I hope that given time, I’ll be able to come back to myself so that I can get to the point where I feel able to contribute somehow. That will feel like success to me and I wholeheartedly believe a new life of personal and professional success will salvage what’s left of my life. I’ve never had either of those two things in my life, which perhaps has been the crux of my problems.

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By GG on Fri, 05-14-10, 11:28

I remember going through this process nearly 20 years ago now with my first wife. My advice is to accept the fact you probably will not get back together. Make a point to talk about your feelings with a close supportive friend or two and be careful not to divuldge things to them you will regret later. At some point you will want to have a civil relationship with your spouse and you shouldn't do anything stupid or petty to make that more difficult. Also keep in mind this probably has been building for a long time. Each of you have some blame to accept and in the end it just doesn't matter when you move on. As a result of this process I ultimately meet my present wife of 18 years who I never would have meet had I continued to try over and over to make my first marriage work with with a less than perfect match.

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By Mtmike79 on Fri, 05-14-10, 20:10

Thank you gg for the words of wisdom! How long did it take for you to start dating again?

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By susiebfree71 on Sat, 05-29-10, 06:20

hang in there. just had my divorce finalized in march. still not dating. the only thing you can say is that you tried everything -- it WILL get better. i'm still coping as well, but can tell you that laughter does indeed heal, if even for a small period of time. if one person isn't willing to try, then there's nothing you can do. you will get through this, & come out the other side that much stronger. change something in your house to suit you that perhaps she wasn't thrilled with -- when i moved out, the 1st thing i did was hang this eleanor roosevelt poster he hated -- made me feel so much better, that i was doing something for me. you're not alone.

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By Mtmike79 on Sat, 05-29-10, 20:15

Thanks susie, the support helps. Today is a tough day, I just found out she has been dating since March. I know it's over but it's still very hard to hear. I am the type that just won't think of dateing until the divorce is final, it's a bitter pill to swalow!

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