There is a time for everything. . .the time for healing to start is now!

I wrote this poem nearly two years ago without sharing it with anyone. At the time, I was dealing with many issues, some the same now, other new problems and situations added to the pile. As I read this poem this evening, I discovered that my feelings have not changed. . . and I have no one to blame but myself. I have not until now begun to disect and deal with each underlying issue. So for me, the time for healing starts now.

Written: 8/19/2008

My heart is broken, the pain just lingers
Feelings of hopelessness,
My chest is heavy, my heart beats fast
I wonder why I’m here, I feel like nothing
I give everything I have, to no avail
Inside my whole being. . .
Love, joy, kindness, generosity
It’s not enough
All those I love, are in conflict
No one else sees the beauty and love
That stems from each individual
Some filled with anger, others with jealousy
Some feel unloved, and others just sad
We all feel something missing
And are all at loss about where to find it
Or even what it is
Love. . . Unconditional love. . . Is all we really want
But each puts conditions on the other. . .
Sometimes for selfish reasons, at times unknowingly
I feel empty inside. . .
I feel like I’ve given away all I have
I feel unaccepted, unwanted, and unloved
I want to be beautiful and loving. . .
And instead I feel helpless and worthless
My heart is broken, the pain just lingers
The feelings so overwhelming
I want it to stop, there must be an end
I see all those that are dear to me
With longing in their eyes
Pain in the hearts
And loneliness, just like me
I want to love them, and be loved back
Nothing I do is right
I know who I want to be, what I want to do
I know who I should be, what I should do
Or at least I thought I knew all of that
Until now
I know nothing
I’ll never have all that I want
I’ll never be all that I should
Or even that I could
I compromise who I am
For the ones that I love
I question who I am
Because of the choices I make
The things I chose to accept
And the way I chose to love
And yet . . . Its not enough
I wonder why? Why do I try?
Why do I give up?
Why do I speak? Or remain silent?
I no longer know . . .
The difference between what is right. . .
And what is wrong.
Or the difference between what is good. . .
And what is bad
I question every action. . .
Every thought
My heart seeks affirmation
And acceptance
And I feel none
I used to know what I believed in
I used to know who I was. . .
And strive to be better
Now I don’t know what to think. . .
How to feel . . . Or what I should believe
I now question who I am, who I’ve been,
And who I want to be
Truth is. . . I don’t want to be me
I still know who I should be, who I could be
But no one loves or just accepts me
So I just don’t want to be
I’m so afraid
Afraid of doing, feeling, saying and thinking what
I believe in
Afraid of not doing, feeling, saying and thinking
What I believe in
Afraid of doing, feeling, saying and thinking
Those things I don’t believe in
Afraid of not doing, feeling, saying and thinking
Those things I don’t believe in
Every choice had a positive and a negative
Every direction a blessing and a curse
Every purpose frustrated
Every effort thwarted
The love unrecognized and unseen
The longing hidden and disguised
All I want is to make those I love happy
All I do is cause misery and pain
Frustration and sorrow
Anger and disappointment
I feel alone. . .
I feel unwanted. . .
I feel undesirable. . .
And inadequate
All I want to be is me
But even all of me could never be enough
And so I hate me
For being too little
For being to much
I hate who I am
And who I think I should be
I’ll never be who I want
Or even who I should be
So I’d rather give up
And just be free. . .
But again. . .the vicious circle
Cause that would be me.